Ubud seems a lot further than 32km from Legian. Not just because the trip took two-and-a-half hours (come on Bali, invest in some bypasses), but mainly because I haven’t seen even one heavily-tatted roid midget on a scooter since I got here. Instead, there are heaps of hipster dudes with carefully-manicure beards and approximately half the population of Japan, guzzling sushi and waving their samurai swords in the air. The Japs, that is. I assume the hispsters are more interested in wearing ironic T-shirts and shoving corn cobs up their dick holes.


In Japan, that bloke is known as Fukishima’s answer to Josh Thomas.

Sure, the centre of town is every bit as touristy as Kuta (although not dominated by Aussies), but walking a few minutes out reveals cool-as-shit villages build on cliffs above rivers, treehouses and other awesome stuff. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to explore, but I saw enough to make me believe that I’ll see some cool stuff in my time here.


It actually reminds me a lot of Venice – a place that was once an actual town and of great historical significance, but which is now little more than a fun park without a rollercoaster. Although I’ve got a ‘big dipper’ if anyone’s interested.

See, that’s why I’m single.

Alright, so the best thing I’ve seen is all the girls here. Ubud is like South America – a place that mainly 18-25-year-old girls go to, without boyfriends. They’re everywhere, they’re mostly blonde, and… I got stuck with this chick instead:


I was trying to film a hilarious piece out in the middle of nowhere, and this chick ruined my shot THREE times. She knew exactly what she was doing, too, and was all like, “I think I got in your shot,” as she flubbered off to stuff a dozen pizzas into her fat head.

I’ll probably end up in bed with her tomorrow morning. See, this is why I should’ve brought a girl with me. I’m staying in a surprisingly nice place with a massive living room leading out to a garden with a pond and all that fancy shit in it, and I’m going to taint it all by fucking the fat, shot-ruining German bitch. Helga, if you’re reading this in the future and we’re now married, I love you and don’t care at all that your legs look like the belong on an allosaurus.

I also saw monkeys! There’s a monkey park here where you pay to see monkeys (and, apparrantly, get attacked by them according to most reports), but when I walked past with a beer in my hand, they were all spilling out onto the road, fucking and sucking each other off. So, yeah, monkey park, I’ve already seen the clown’s, I ain’t paying to go in the big top.

But there is beauty here, just past the crowds and the cheap shops. I’m getting closer to what I’m looking for but, until then, there’s a fucking shitload of open-minded backpackers wandering out there…

2 thoughts on “Japandonesia

  1. Absolutely disgusting “story”. As a Japanese man I’ll have you know that I will visit any country I wish, thank you very much. If I want to go to Bali I will. I will not allow HATE GROUPS like you to prevent me from travelling. Perhaps I should just kill myself, would that make you happy, stupid man? You are so stupid. Maybe it time to give up writing and trying to be “funny” and go back to being a vomitous bogan. I hate you.


    1. Killing yourself doesn’t sound like a bad idea, mate. Got for it harakiri style. Guts on the floor, painful death in a pool of your own blood, nobody fuckin’ cares that you’re dead. Make sure you stream it on the net so I can watch.


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