Chasing Charles Bronson through Vilnius

Charles Bronson [left] with some hat-wearing fucktard
Action movie star Charles Bronson is my hero – he’s the perfect mix of machismo, coolness and rugged sex appeal – so I was stoked to bump into him while swaggering through the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius this morning.

There I was, sipping a beer outside the Vilnius Cathedral, when Charlie wandered by in trendy sunglasses and a snazzy beanie, trying to hide his identity from his legion of fans. But he couldn’t trick me, because I could spot his no-nonsense strut from a mile away. And when he kicked a bum into the gutter and told him to “kiss the street”, I was certain I was seeing the great one!

Bronson is off to fuck someone up!

The Death Wish star made his way up towards the Upper Castle, which looks out over Vilnius, and I followed, just happy to be breathing the same air as my main man. The view from the top was incredible, opening up over the entirety of Vilnius, and Charlie wanted his photo taken in front of it. He stormed up to a shocked Asian man and thrust his old school Polaroid camera into the dude’s hand.
“I want a photo of me in front of that,” he said, stepping back to frame himself for the snap.
“But I no understand,” replied the Asian man, throwing up his little hands.
“Just take the picture, Yoko Ono,” snapped Charlie, and the Asian man did as he was told. The photo, as far as I could tell, turned out excellent.

Charlie takes a happy snap

After thanking the Asian photographer by kicking him up the arse and sending him on his way, Charlie headed down the hill, with yours truly in hot pursuit. The trip to the bottom of the hill must’ve given him a hunger, because as Charlie was strutting through a park he snatched a hotdog out of a child’s hand and started eating it.
“Needs mustard,” he muttered, before throwing it in the nearest bin and then making his way up towards Hill of Three Crosses – so named because it is a hill with three crosses on it.

Three crosses, built to celebrate the three chicks Charlie boned this morning

He got up there quicker than I could, and when I reached the top he was talking to a sexy young blonde Lithuanian chick, who was blushing and looking completely flattered. Standing a few metres away and not looking quite so happy was her boyfriend, a hulking skinhead with about three teeth in his head.
“My room, 30 minutes,” Charlie said to the blonde, flicking her a hotel card that she couldn’t grab fast enough. “Don’t be late, toots.”

3,267 women in this city have been smashed by Charlie

The toothless Lat had had enough, and flew at Charlie with two massive fists flying. Charlie took a long drag of his cigarette, dropped it to the ground, stepped on it, and then flipped the Lat over a guardrail, sending him rolling down the steep, green hill towards Vilnius. While a group of Chinese sightseers broke out in rabid applause, the blonde nearly melted, and walked off with Charlie, hand in hand. She even grabbed him on the arse as they disappeared walked into the distance.

I was only the second coolest dude in Vilnius today

But before the left, Charlie turned to me, reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin. He gave me a wink, tossed it to me, and said, “You know, kid, you’re alright.” Then he and the sexy blonde disappeared from sight forever. It just goes to prove that anything can happen in Vilnius.

Oh yeah, and I fucked a statue of a dog.

Serious journalism still eludes me

Beer of the day: I had a can of something called V that wasn’t bad. In Australia, V is an energy drink that tastes like an orangutan’s blurter and gives you symptoms similar to AIDS, but this version of V wasn’t too bad. I drank it in a park.


Kebab of the day: Today’s kebab was this donut thing I bought at an Iki supermarket. It was fantastic.


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