I love travelling. It’s heaps of fun and beats the shit out of sitting in an office or being a hippie who spends all of his/her/its time fighting for gay marriage and transgender rights and crap like that. But things don’t always go to plan when out on the road, and things to have to change. That’s been the case during my time in the town of Sokcho, in the northeast of South Korea.
I came here to visit the nearby Seoraksan National park, which is apparently lovely and has all sorts of mountains and trees and animals and rivers to explore. It was a great plan, until I woke up this morning to find it absolutely pouring outside. The idea of swaggering around in the bush all day sounded as inviting as performing oral sex on Susan Boyle, so I had to come up with an alternative. I figured there’s a whole town out there just waiting to be checked out, so why not just start wandering and see what I find? It turned out to be a great idea, because there’s plenty to see and do around here.
It turns out Sokcho is actually a delightful little city (there are 85,000 residents, but it’s a tourist mecca, so it’s more built up than that number would suggest). There are beaches, lakes, mountains and restaurants. It has a relaxed feel far removed from the mayhem of Seoul, and character that the capital is desperately lacking. The main part of the city can be walked around easily, and it’s a pleasant stroll through the winding streets, past fisherman and tanks full of crabs.
There’s a little hand-drawn ferry close to the centre of town that leads to a village full of weird North Korean outcasts. After having my heart broken by Kim Jong-un, I didn’t want to risk being hurt again, but it’s apparently a delightful place to visit, with some sort of squid-sausage delicacy that must be tried. I guess I’ll go to my death bed wondering what that tastes like, because I can’t imagine any set of events that would lead to me willingly eating a squid-sausage served by weird North Korean outcasts who live under a bridge.
I made it up to Sokcho’s lighthouse, which is a symbol of the city and provides a great outlook over the beaches and buildings. Well, it does in good weather. Even with the rain coming down, it’s a very pretty city, with the jagged mountains in the distance and all sorts of neon lights flashing everywhere. Sokcho has a real personality that makes it an awesome place to visit.
I do worry about the sorts of characters who rock up here, though. I found a sign for something called the ‘Romantic Road’ that had a very unusual message. I can only imagine that German incest advocate Josef Fritzl used to enjoy holidaying in Sokcho before he was locked up.
And then everything went wrong. I was strolling along, minding my own business, when a giant fish caught my eye. I knew I had to have sex with it, so I raced over and had my wicked way with the scaly scamp before racing off into the gloomy arvo before anyone could catch me.
Not far up the street was a statue of a dragon, with what appeared to be a man practicing felatio beneath it. Once again I was overcome by passion, and wasted no time making love to the metal hunk, while Koreans looked on in horror.
As the day slipped away, my afternoon of depraved statue raping caught up with me and I was in desperate need of a snack. I thought about having some fried prawns, or a bucket of crabs, but then I saw something that changed my life forever – a Dagwood Dog where, instead of batter, the sausage was encased in hot chips. I bought one, smothered it in tommo sauce and mustard, and bit in. Nothing compares to that first bite. Seriously, that thing was fucking grouse and I would crawl through barbed wire to get another one.
Feeling full and happy, I floated back to my hotel, but on my way back I came across something curious. A statue that caught my eye, one that needed to be molested. I looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then unzipped my trousers and sped over for a moment of lustful thrusting. I got in position, threw up my thumb as the international symbol of romance, and just as I started having fun I heard a whistle. A little policeman in a funny hat was running down the street, so I re-pantsed and got the fuck out of there before I could be thrown in a roach-infested Korean jail. I’m sick, I know it, I need help – but sex with statues just feels soooooooo gooooooooooooood!
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 