Japan isn’t a big country, but you’d be bloody tired if you tried to walk from one end to the other. You’d probably also get attacked by wolves and Godzillas, so it’s best to make the most of The Nippon’s world-class public transportation network. Everybody knows about the bullet trains, but they’re bloody expensive, so when I needed to get from Miyazaki to Kobe, I decided to go by overnight ferry. It was an eventful evening.
The ferry is actually a pretty fun way to travel between the islands of Kyushu and Honshu. When I stepped onboard the massive ship, I was pointed towards my sleeping quarters, which was a big open room with hundreds of tiny mattresses on the floor, somw occupied by sleepy Japanese people. It’s a bit like having a giant slumber party, but instead of Fantales and pillow fights there’s sushi and respectful quietness.
There was plenty of space so I chose a mattress in the corner and settled in. More Japs dawdled in, and I soon realised they had absolutely no interest in spending the night near me. They’d walk over to my side of the room, see there was a white dude, and then cram into a spot on the opposite side. Alright, maybe the fact I haven’t washed my clothes in three weeks had something to do with it, but I’m claiming racism.
After watching the ship depart the port, I checked out th eonboard services. It was what you’d expect; pachinko machines, some video game cabinets, and a hot chip vending machine. That’s right, a HOT FUCKIN’ CHIP VENDING MACHINE. The Japs really do have everything. For the record, the chips tasted like chicken scrotums.
When I returned, a very unusual man was sitting cross-legged on the mattress next to mine, watching me with hopeful eyes. I did my best to ignore him and plonked myself down, but the unusual man just turned to me with a smile.
“I’m Casper Yamamoto, pleased to meet you,” he nodded. “We’re going to be sleeping buddies.” With that, he gave me a huge hug and then sat back and started smiling at me again. He wasn’t even blinking, just sitting there looking happy.
“Look, Casper, mate. I don’t need a sleeping buddy, and even if I did, it wouldn’t be you. I’d go for one of those Japanese sheilas with the big tits, not someone who’s fat and balding and most likely an advocate for the legalisation of rape. No offence.”
Casper looked crushed,then immediately perked up. “Me no speaky Engleeee,” he exclaimed in an exaggerated accent, then cuddled me again. I grabbed my bag and headed to the other side if the room, but the locals started yelling at me and throwing their slippers, demanding that the white devil stay away from them. Inslunk back to my corner and lay down next to Casper, who just sat there, smiling and not blinking.
I passed out watching TV and woke up a few hours with Casper clinging to me from behind. His grip around my body was as firm as a vice, and it was abundantly clear that he had an erection. I was disgusted and tried to get away, but he wouldn’t let go, saying, “Cuddle buddies… CUDDLE BUDDIIIIIIEEEESSS! Now wrestling buddies. WRESTLING BUUUUUDDDDIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!” as we rolled around on the floor. The commotion woke up the sleeping Japs, who became enraged, hurling empty cups of noodles and chopsticks at us and spitting all over the place. Still, Casper wouldn’t let go.
I’m not a violent person but I don’t enjoy being molested, so I started throwing elbows behind me to take down the hug-crazed psychopath. I felt one blow connect, then another, and after a third Casper finally loosened his grip and fell limply to the carpet. The crowd gasped as one, stepping back from Casper’s broken body.
I looked down at Casper, covered in blood and semen, and saw not a monster but a lonely man who wasn’t hugged enough as a child. I saw weakness and vulnerability, a symbol of society’s failures. The crowd wept and supported me as Casper was carried off into the night, and I decided to catch the fucking train from now on.