Things to do in Podgorica when you’re dead

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Podgorica, the capital of Montenegro, doesn’t make it onto many lists of must-see cities, and for very good reason. While it’s not an unpleasant place, and you won’t get stabbed or raped if you go there, I can’t think of a single reason to visit it rather than any other medium-sized city anywhere on the planet. Well, apart from Huddersfield.

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Me and some dickhead on a horse

I had to spend a eight hours in Podgorica before catching a bus to the Macedonian capital of Skopje, which was about seven hours too long. There’s just not much to look at – the river that runs through town is wet, but not particularly pretty. The Turkish Old Town is covered in graffiti. The most prominent landmark, the Millennium Bridge, is celebrated by locals but looks like any little bridge in any town you’ve ever seen. Alright, the women are all pretty, which is a bonus if you’re a sex tourist or something.

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Looks like a nice place to have a wedding

The city centre is pretty flat and boring, with a bunch of three story buildings clustered together and not much else. It feels more like a country town than a national capital. I became confused for a while and thought I was in Wyong, and wondered why dickheads with tattoos weren’t trying to punch me while homeless dudes urinated on my leg.

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The bustling main street of Podgorica

That’s one thing you don’t see much of in Europe – tattoos. Every dumbarse in Australia is loaded up with stough stickers, and most of the women have shit ink all over their bodies, but not over here. They might eat weird food, smell funny, and talk like they’ve got dog shit in their mouths, but at least they don’t think it’s good to have a tattoo of Spider-Man above their buttholes.

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The river would be nice to swim in, if not for all the crocodiles and dead dogs

The most exciting thing I saw in Podgorica was a pervert – who also might be the mayor of the city, according to some locals I was magging to – started flashing children as they walked past him, enjoying the sunshine. Apart from that, he seemed like a nice enough bloke.

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The sicko, obviously masturbating in public

Oh, and speaking of thin, slimy things, I saw a fucking SNAKE slithering around like he owned the fucking joint.

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Get fucked, you legless bastard!

After oohing and ahhing over the small number of statues in the centre of the square, and remarking at all the unfinished buildings strewn around the joint, I’d exhausted my list of sighyseeing options and spent the afternoon eating pizza and drinking beer. The Petra Cetinjskog boulevard is actually quite lovely, with plenty of trees and nice little bars and restaurants to get pissed at.

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Not a bad pizza

After drinking my bodyweight in Tuborg and eating enough pizza to have Rebel Wilson tapping out (who am I kidding, that fat slug would eat pizza till her sides split), I staggered back to the river, stripped off and flaunted my wares as the sun went down. It was the most exciting thing to ever happen in the city, and small children danced around me with sparklers in their hands.

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One at a time, ladies!

Alright, so my travel advice for Podgorica is

  • Don’t fucking bother going there
  • Watch out for snakes
  • And perverts
  • If you have to spend time there, get really drunk or take up a heavy heroin habit, AND
  • If you’re going to masturbate in public, the local cops can be easily outrun

So, yep, that’s Podgorica. Next!

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