Hippies don’t like it when you piss in their shower

I must be the first person to ever get kicked out of a hippie hostel. After drinking five longnecks I rolled along to the cheapest warung on the island, where I stuffed myself with fish curry, guzzled more beer and enjoyed the good music the locals were playing. And then I met some hippies.

They’d come over from some sort of eco retreat to eat tofu or whatever the fuck it is they like, and invited me to join me at their table for a sing-along. I was pretty pissed and some of the girls were pretty pretty, so I grabbed another beer and joined them.

The beers were going down well and I was doing alright with some of the women-folk, so when they invited me back to their hippy haven for a few more beers, I said yes. It was a fairly awesome little hostel, made out of bamboo that had washed up on the beach. There were even hippies asleep in hammocks, right next to where I was doing my best to convince a German lass to open her Brandenburg Gate for me. And then, not surprisingly, I had to piss.

The owner pointed me in the right direction, but I’m no good at directions and ended up in shower. I tried to convince myself that it was some sort of strange hippy toilet, but I knew it was a shower, and I pissed in there anyway, all over the floor. Twenty minutes later I had to piss again, and went back to the same shower. I pissed in there five fucking times, by which time the shower was completely flooded with my rancid urine.

As I stepped out, the owner was standing in front of me with a furious look on his face. “Have you been relieving yourself in my shower?” he snarled, flicking his dreadlocks out of his face. I looked back into the shower and saw the pool of piss, and knew there was no way out of it. “I thought it was a toilet,” I replied. “You thought it was a toilet? What sort of cretin are you? Does it look like a toilet to you?” “A little bit. I didn’t do a poo in there or anything. Just wee wees.”

Veins were popping out of the guy’s forehead and I thought he was going to punch me, which would’ve been funny because the vegetable-powered champion weighed about 35kg. Instead, he pointed to the front gat and said, “Leave. You’re officially banned from Hippieland.”

As I left, I asked the German girl if she wanted to come with me, and she said, “If you do not know difference between toilet and shower, I’m not letting you anywhere near my body.”

As for Meno, this island is simply as good as it gets, and definitely the best place I have been to on this holiday. The beaches are good and the snorkelling excellent, the food and restaurants are cheap and fantastic, and the feel of the place is wonderful. There are no cars or motorbikes here, no hawkers, so it’s the perfect place to relax with a beer and just let the days roll by. I certainly wouldn’t mind spending some more time here, but I’m heading over the the next island, Air, tomorrow.

The hippies can’t wait to see the back of me.