Thessalonikis is a great place to go to if you like crap places

The Macedonians didn’t want me to leave Skopje. Believing me to be the reincarnation of their beloved Saint Cyril, they asked me to stay and reign over their tiny landlocked country, sleeping with as many woman as I wanted and drinking beer as if it bubbled from the earth. But I’ve got things to do, so I said konichiwa and hopped on a bus to Athens, Greece. It’s a long trip, made longer by the fact I had to stop off in Thessaloniki for four hours – just long enough to pronounce the name of the fucking place.

That’s not enough time to get to know a city, sure, but it’s long enough to know I don’t have to head back there anytime soon. There’s a waterfront that’s basically a concrete path next to a road, some sort of round tower that the locals go bananas for, and a few ruins scattered around the place. Mainly, though, it’s just a fairly ugly city with people rushing around all over the place, tonnes of graffiti and heaps of pollution. Spending time there is as relaxing as turning around to find out your proctologist is wearing only one glove, and it’s on his cock.

So, yeah, if you’re planning a month-long trip to Thessaloniki, don’t bother. Head off to somewhere like Budgewoi instead! Tell ’em I sent you and you’ll get 10 per cent off the works burger at the fish and chip shop, and they’ll even throw in a couple of free scallops. Give the chick behind the counter a wink and a few kind words and she’ll suck you off, too. Make sure it’s the chick, not the bloke, though – he’s no good at giving head, on account of his broken teeth and ‘inquisitive’ tongue. Great place, Budgewoi.