After a few months of sitting around and fiddling with myself, it’s time for the Bauer Media Drunk & Jobless World Tour to start up again. This time the adventure has taken me to the Apple isle of Tasmania, which is sometimes unkindly called the arsehole of the universe, but which is actually quite nice.
Plus, we all know the real arsehole of the universe is Huddersfield.
A big change this time around is that I’m not making the journey alone. My older brother, Ben, recently had his job taken from him by the Nazi-felating knob jockeys at Bauer, and has spent the last couple of weeks lying in his inflatable spa bath and drinking goon from a rapidly-deteriorating McDonald’s coffee cup. My parents have become concerned by his bizarre behaviour, so I allowed him to tag along.
We’re basing ourselves in Hobart, thanks to the generosity of my uncle and aunty, Mick and Katri. They own a cider company and don’t mind a drink themselves, so it should be a good week and a half. I’ve never been to Tassie before and have been meaning to make the trip down for years, so let’s get into it!
Uncle Mick picked us up at the airport, and took us to one of his favourite landmarks – the local BWS.
We pretty much spent the rest of the day getting drunk in pubs and causing the locals to cry out, “Fuck off back to the mainland!” Ben got addicted to pot:
We visited a store devoted to pirates (not arse pirates, just pirates):
And I pretended a cannon was my penis:
I also molested a statue. His name is Gary and we’re going to a movie tomorrow night: