Capital Punishment 

Abu Dhabi is the capital of the UAE, which means it’s their version of Canberra. But instead of being freezing cold and overflowing with brilliant footballers, it’s blazing hot and loaded with skyscrapers. Oh, and the beaches are a bit better than Canberra’s, too.

The city is a two hour bus ride from Dubai, and the majority of the trip plows through barren, sandy desert, with the odd shrub or dilapidated building to break things up. It’s certainly not spectacular, but it’s different from anything I’ve ever seen before. I was tossing off up between going on a desert safari or taking the bus to Abu Dhabi, and I reckon my choice gave me the best of both. I’m now an expert on endless, sandy deserts.

The city of Abu Dhabi isn’t much different from Dubai. There are immense skyscrapers, little Indian blokes running around everywhere, and a distinct lack of decent public transport. It’s an easy city to walk, with wide footpaths and very few open sewers in which to fall into and die. In saying that, there are two big dangers. Firstly, the heat, which smashed me like a Josh Papalii tackle during my near-20km hike. Secondly, the drivers in Abu are fuckwits and would rather hit and kill someone than slow down and let them cross. It has one of the highest rates of hit-and-runs on the planet, which is something the locals take a strange pride in. I reckon they should leave that shit to the professionals at the nearby F1 circuit.

Whilst it really is a nice city and it’s all very impressive, there’s not masses to see and do in AD unless you’re into shopping or are loaded with money. The Grand Mosque is superb, but well out of town, as is the popular Ferrari World. The streets don’t have a lot of personality, with very few shops or markets. I loved exploring the place, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck there unless I was shacked up in an expensive resort (and someone else was paying).

The jewel in the crown of Abu Dhabi is undoubtedly it’s beaches, and I found them to be really nice. They’re man made, of course, and Kelly Slater won’t be popping round to hang ten anytime soon, but they’re lovely and clean and the nearby ‘scrapers provide a stunning vista while splashing around. I’d been told the water would be too hot to swim in, but I found it really refreshing. There weren’t any topless stunnas on the sand, though, and I couldn’t find anywhere to buy a beer, but count me as a fan of Corniche Beach.

There weren’t any women with their tits out, but there was a very naked, very handsome penguin hanging out near the entrance to the beach. He was being coy and obviously playing hard to get, but I could tell by the way he held his beak that he wanted some.
“You’re a long way from the South Pole,” I said smoothly. “But I can show you a pole if you want, you naughty little bird”

The penguin, obviously the strong, silent type, again said nothing, which I took as a sign of interest. I strutted over, loosened my britches, and seconds later I was making love to my flightless fuck buddy. People were honking their horns as they witnessed the physical manifestation of our romance. I was on the verge of orgasm when I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a very tall, very muscular policeman peering down at me. I immediately lost my erection, assuming that he would throw me into a rat-infested prison where I would probably be raped.

Instead, the policeman just shook his head. “I know how tempting it is, but you’re better than this,” he said, before pulling a samosa out of his pocket and chomping into it as he walked away. I said goodbye to my penguin, returned my shorts to their correct position, and continued on my way.