Yep, that’s a big tree alright

Zimbabwe isn’t only famous for the legendary Victoria Falls, it’s also  well know for the widespread slaughter of innocent white people a couple of other things, one big and one small. With today being my final full day in this unusual country, I decided to have a good crack at both.

The South Africans are immensely proud of their Big Pineapple, claiming that it’s the only Big Thing in Africa, but the Zimbos have something to say about that. Victoria Falls is home to the Big Tree, a 1500-year-old monster that is actually pretty large. Alright, it’s not awe-inspiringly massive, and being an actual tree rules it out of being a proper Big Thing, but it’s there, and that’s cool.

The slightly smaller thing Zimbabwe is known for is Robert Mugabe’s penis their delicious pork pies. These things are available everywhere for about 50c each and are able to be munched hot or cold, so I’ve stocked up on them for whenever hunger calls. They come in flavours such as peri peri chicken and beef, but I can’t tell the difference between them so I reckon it’s a load of shit that there’s more than one type. I’ve lost nearly a quarter of my body weight since February, but if I lived in Zimbabwe I’d put it all back on and more (and then get murdered, most likely).

It’s Sunday, and Sunday is for drinking and picking up German backpackers by the pool, but I found time to strut along the Zambezi River. Sure, there are signs warning about crocodiles, and falling into the deceptively calm water would mean a lethal plunge off the top of Vic Falls, but I like to live on the edge.

I also met some new hawkers; Hulk Hogan, Beautiful, Cloud, Professor Yes, Angel, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lion, Mike Tyson, Bridge, Goldman, Power Ranger, T-Shirt, Captain America, Vigilante, Smile, Heaven, Biscuit, David Beckham, McDonald’s, Hello, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Donald Trump all wanted to sell me worthless shit I don’t want or need. Don’t worry, fellas, I’m sure someone is desperate for a carved wooden hippo.

Well, that’s it for Zim. Tomorrow I’m heading over to Livingstone for a quick stopover before heading out to the truly wild and remote lands of Malawi. But first I’ve gotta smash this beer, smash this pork pie, and then hopefully smash that German chick over there in the bikini. Her backyard might get blitzed if you know what I mean.

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