Kandy, Kandy, Kandy, I can’t let you go…


There are few cities as deliciously-named as Kandy. Wattanobbi has to be up there, of course, and Grogan, Queensland must rate a mention, but the Sri Lankan city of Kandy tops them all. And I’m pleased to report that I had a really ‘sweet’ time exploring the place.

“Hey, I can see my cricket ball from here!”

With only one full day to see everything this mountainous municipality has to offer, I wasted no time heading out there door to have fun (actually, I wasted a lot of time by sitting around until 1pm playing video games and dancing around in my undies with the elderly Ukrainian man next door answering emails from attractive female fans). The first stop was the massive statue of Buddha that glares down at the town from atop a steep hill.

Not this giant Buddha – another one

I love big things, so a gigantic deity is right up my alley (not really, that would be painful). The big fella was erected (Oi! You up the back! Stop giggling!) in 1993, and at 27m tall, is slightly taller than the real-life Buddha. He’s less than half the height of Macedonia’s Millennium Cross, though, so in the dick-measuring contest between the religions, Buddhism loses out this time.

The offending photograph

I was taking what is commonly known as a ‘selfie’ in front of the big fella, being a bit rude and sticking my finger up at the camera, when I heard a commotion behind me. I spun around to see a couple of very angry monks marching my way, their orange robes fluttering with rage.
“No take selfie with back to Lord Buddha!” one shrieked, raising a large stick above his head. I know better than to punch on with monks – they know kung fu and like to suck blood – so I turned and ran away into the city.

Some very attractive Lankans

Kandy is compact and there are only about 150,000 people but, like most Asian cities, it’s still busy. The little Sri Lankan blokes dart this way and that, always late for something, never really knowing what they’re late for. The streets are crammed with people and overflowing with scammers (“Hello sir! You are handsome! I want nothing from you! You want to go for beer?”) so I did my best to find somewhere quieter. There’s a big man-made lake in the middle of town, so I headed over there to catch a breather. Turns out, it was the worst place to go for some peace and quiet.

That smart-dressed motherfucker is off to play some cricket!

As I was strutting around the lake, I looked over and saw fucking TREE CROCODILE just casually lounging around like he owned the place. The big bastard probably eats children for breakfast and fat women for lunch and there he was, sitting around in the middle of the city. Locals were waving their arms around and dancing to to get the evil bastard’s attention, while I darted in the opposite direction. When I heard screaming, I just kept going.

Shoot it!

The only other thing worth seeing is the Tooth Temple, where one of Buddha’s teeth apparently lays (although you can’t actually look at it, so the story’s probably a load of bullshit). They wanted me to wear a skirt if I was going to go look at that, though, so I spun on the spot, snapped my fingers and got out of there.

Some more lovely wildlife

One day in Kandy is definitely enough. It’s a curious city that reminds me of a smaller, shittier Guilin, because it’s a bustling place surrounded by beauty and nature. It’s tiring and there are few places to sit down and relax – heading into KFC is pretty much the only way to take a breath without some dickhead in neatly-pressed slacks trying to part you from your money. I definitely didn’t come to Sri Lanka to hang out in places like Kandy, so it’s time to head off to the pristine beaches of Trincomalee to find my destiny…


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