It was time to leave Penida, which meant a ride on the back of a motorbike with my suitcase, before spending an hour negotiating a relatively cheap price for the boat ride to the nearby Nusa Lembongen, and ended with an offer of oral sex.
This place is completely different from Penida here, but equally as lovely. It’s still quiet, but there are plenty of tourists, tour companies, hotels to go along with the beautiful (by Balinese standards – it ain’t no Maitland Bay, that’s for sure) beach and clear blue water. That certainly isn’t a bad thing. While I hate being hassled every time I walk out to get a beer (“You see manta ray?”), there are heaps of decorative women here and… well, what other reason do you need?
Amazingly, the sun even came out for the first time in 10 days, and I spent a pleasant afternoon lounging around in my underpants reading a book and drinking beer. Lembongan is a good place to do that. Sure, tomorrow I’ll probably go for a long walk and find somewhere remote to snorkel, but a fella could easily spend his whole trip here just sipping suds in the sun.
Because of my lack of movement today, I don’t really have a grip on this place. There’s the poor tourist area (where I am, even though I can sit on my toilet and look out over the ocean), there’s the rich tourist area, and there’s the people who live here, who I assume are somewhat similar to the people from Penida (who I call Penidaphiles).
The second-strangest thing to happen to me since arriving came when I bought a beer at the local mini market. The woman behind the counter didn’t have enough change, so she gave me three Mentos lollies instead. There was no negotiating, I was simply handed the Mentos, leading me to assume that this is a common and accepted form of payment. Fore reference, the conversion rate is 30 Mentos to the dollar, which is actually pretty good. I can only imagine one of the locals heading into their local car dealership with a bag full of Mentos and a couple of ropes of licorice to buy their dream car with.
And, as it turns out, Mentos are quite likely a needed commodity around here. As I swaggered away with my beer, admiring the sunset and thinking how cool I am, the first-strangest thing happened. I heard a husky voice say the word, “Blowjob.” Of cours, I was all like:
When I turned and looked, an older fellow who looked like Malcolm McDowell with a ponytail and a Bart Simpson T-shirt was smiling at me. “Glad I got your attention,” he said in an English accent while thrusting his hips back and forth and licking his lips. “Fancy a blowjob?”
“From you?” I asked, and he nodded.
“I’ve been told I have lips like velvet. Sucked off a whole battleship once. I guess you could say I swallowed a lot of semen that day.”
And I was all like:
I told the bloke that I’d probably be alright without his velvet lips, at which point her told me, “So I’m good enough for Christian Slater, but I’m not good enough for you?” That’s right, he claimed to have had the world famous penis of world famous actor Christian Slater in his mouth. Now I’m not saying for a second that he did suck off Christian Slater (and I’d say the odds are against it, seeing as he was in Very Bad Things and is, according to Wikipedia, married to a woman who has a vagina and everything), but I congratulated the fella for it and gave him a high five, and then handed him my Mentos. If any more Hollywood superstars wander up to him, he’s gunna need ’em.
Shit… is that Liam Neeson?
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 