I ate a kebab the size of my head

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I spent most of today traveling between the Polish cities of Warsaw and Krakow, so I didn’t get up to much besides getting drunk on a train while watching a woman breastfeeding in the seat opposite me (she didn’t offer me a sip, in case you’re wondering). But I did get a mouthful of meat and, fuck it, I’m going to tell you about it.

When I booked my accommodation in Warsaw, I didn’t choose the shithouse Bed4City flophouse simply because it was the cheapest place I could find. I also went for it because the joint is located above a massive kebab shop. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was booking myself a date with tone of the tastiest hunks of beef I would ever wrap my lips around. I even ended up with the sauce all over my face!

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I wish they had a hole in the wall, so I could just suck the meat through that

I didn’t manage to stop in at the Amrit kebabery yesterday, but with a long trip ahead of me today, I made sure to stop in for a feed. And bloody hell, am I glad I did! A beef kebab cost me 18 Polish Slutzkies, which I thought was a bit steep, but it was worth every cent. The kebab I was handed was immense, with half a cow stuffed into a huge bread roll, with tomatoes, hot chips, lettuce, onions and plenty of other stuff. Under most circumstances I’d rather let a clown shove an umbrella up my urethra and flick the open button than leave food on my plate, but I had to be judicial about what I could stuff into my face, it was that big.

It tasted wonderful, and to anyone who says that size doesn’t matter, you’re a nuffie. Um, except women who want to make sex with me, it’s cool if you do.

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I would’ve had a post-kebab cigarette if they let me

I waddled up to the train station after that, and almost had to be rolled onto the carriage. The train trip from Warsaw to Krakow is pleasant, if uneventful. The scenery changes from the harsher and uglier landscapes and villages of the north of Poland to the rolling hills and quaint villages of the south. I haven’t had much time to explore Krakow yet because I’ve spent the evening drinking beer and being told to turn down my music by the no-fun-allowed German bloke in the room next to me (who’d better become a fan of Cold Chisel quick smart, or he’ll have a bad night – I’m in Poland, dickhead, do you think I have much sympathy for the plight of a bloody German?). But tomorrow, I’ll get out there and check it out.

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This is either Krakow, or Narara

But if I start the day with another kebab that size, I might have to get some little Polish bloke to cart me around in a fuckin’ wheelbarrow!

Kebab of the day: If you can’t work that out, you’re dumber than Todd Carney.

Beer of the day: had a great little beer called Wojak, which has a picture of an eagle on it. Maybe it’s eagle piss, I dunno, but it tastes good. If it is eagle piss, I’ll buy a bird and get it to urinate in my mouth at regular intervals.

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