Tag Archives: Warsaw

I ate a kebab the size of my head


I spent most of today traveling between the Polish cities of Warsaw and Krakow, so I didn’t get up to much besides getting drunk on a train while watching a woman breastfeeding in the seat opposite me (she didn’t offer me a sip, in case you’re wondering). But I did get a mouthful of meat and, fuck it, I’m going to tell you about it.

When I booked my accommodation in Warsaw, I didn’t choose the shithouse Bed4City flophouse simply because it was the cheapest place I could find. I also went for it because the joint is located above a massive kebab shop. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was booking myself a date with tone of the tastiest hunks of beef I would ever wrap my lips around. I even ended up with the sauce all over my face!

I wish they had a hole in the wall, so I could just suck the meat through that

I didn’t manage to stop in at the Amrit kebabery yesterday, but with a long trip ahead of me today, I made sure to stop in for a feed. And bloody hell, am I glad I did! A beef kebab cost me 18 Polish Slutzkies, which I thought was a bit steep, but it was worth every cent. The kebab I was handed was immense, with half a cow stuffed into a huge bread roll, with tomatoes, hot chips, lettuce, onions and plenty of other stuff. Under most circumstances I’d rather let a clown shove an umbrella up my urethra and flick the open button than leave food on my plate, but I had to be judicial about what I could stuff into my face, it was that big.

It tasted wonderful, and to anyone who says that size doesn’t matter, you’re a nuffie. Um, except women who want to make sex with me, it’s cool if you do.

I would’ve had a post-kebab cigarette if they let me

I waddled up to the train station after that, and almost had to be rolled onto the carriage. The train trip from Warsaw to Krakow is pleasant, if uneventful. The scenery changes from the harsher and uglier landscapes and villages of the north of Poland to the rolling hills and quaint villages of the south. I haven’t had much time to explore Krakow yet because I’ve spent the evening drinking beer and being told to turn down my music by the no-fun-allowed German bloke in the room next to me (who’d better become a fan of Cold Chisel quick smart, or he’ll have a bad night – I’m in Poland, dickhead, do you think I have much sympathy for the plight of a bloody German?). But tomorrow, I’ll get out there and check it out.

This is either Krakow, or Narara

But if I start the day with another kebab that size, I might have to get some little Polish bloke to cart me around in a fuckin’ wheelbarrow!

Kebab of the day: If you can’t work that out, you’re dumber than Todd Carney.

Beer of the day: had a great little beer called Wojak, which has a picture of an eagle on it. Maybe it’s eagle piss, I dunno, but it tastes good. If it is eagle piss, I’ll buy a bird and get it to urinate in my mouth at regular intervals.


Warsaw Warrior


I’m in Poland, but I haven’t seen too many poles – but then again, I haven’t hit the strip clubs yet! My journey through this Eastern European country with a tragic past has started in the capital of Warsaw, which has plenty to offer – especially if you like bits of meat wrapped up in bread.

I expected Warsaw to be worn-out and ugly, but that’s not the case at all. Like a pensioner with a fresh bottle of Viagra (hi, Dad!) it has a new lease on life. Massive steel-and-glass skyscrapers dominate the skyline, while wide streets are full of modern cars. I didn’t even see a single person shitting in the street, which was a bit of a disappointment.


While nice and easy to navigate, the new part of Warsaw isn’t exactly inspirational. There’s not a whole lot to see and do, so it’s the Old Town, over by the river, that attracts the most tourists. And it is, uh, not really that interesting either. A bunch of old buildings, some statues (sadly, they were mostly up on poles [actual poles, not Polish people] and so I was unable to have sex with them) and lots of souvenir shops. Riga and Tallinn both did it better.


I dropped into the Uprising Museum, which was full of info on Poland’s horrible history, and is worthwhile simply to get an appreciation for what these people have gone through. Like the rest of Warsaw, it won’t make you jump up and down on the spot and wave your arms around like one of those inflatable dudes who hang around outside used car dealerships, but give it a crack.


With not much to do in this place, it’s no surprise that alcohol flows like a lesbian’s period, and there are hundreds of 24/7 alcohol shops. They’re called Alkoholes, so I decided to show off my own alkohole. Aren’t I hilarious!


While Warsaw isn’t the most exciting city on the planet (that honour goes to Dubbo), it does hold one very special title – it has more kebab shops than pretty much anywhere else. Deadset, there’s a kebabery on pretty much every corner, and all the little Polish champions are wandering around with steaming kebabs in their hot little hands, stuffing them into their chubby little faces. It’s a kebab-fancier’s wonderland.

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The kebab servings here are huge, and unfortunately that means that some punters have to throw half their meal in the bin. It’s not so unfortunate for the local hobos, who eat like fucking kings after rifling through bags full of dirty nappies, used syringes and dog turds in order to find half a doner that’s probably been spoofed on by some drunken American exchange student.


By the time I finished I was really tired and my feet were hurting – I guess you could say they were War-sore!

Kebab of the day: Look at this beauty!


Beer of the day: This one was pretty good.