Has your trip to Italy been binned because of the dreaded Beijing Bug? Stop drowning your sorrows in Peroni because whilst Roma, Italia is off the cards, Roma, Queensland is open for business. The sunburnt city of 6000 is 400km inland from the Sunshine Coast and it’s fantastico! Don’t believe me? Then let’s put the two legendary cities side by side!
Roma, Italia has the Colosseum. The largest amphitheatre ever built, and one of the most famous buildings in history. Completed in AD 80, it had seating for 80,000 Romans and hosted gladiator battles, executions and even mock sea battles. Russell Crowe once got stabbed to death there.
Roma, Queensland has the Big Rig. A largish oil drilling thing. Completed in 2002, it’s not too far from Maccas. Russell Crowe once used the public toilet out the front.
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Roman Forum. The teeming heart of ancient Rome, it has been called the most celebrated meeting place in the world, and in all history.
Roma, Italia has the World’s Largest Bottle Tree. The teeming heart of modern Roma, it has been called “A really big fuckin’ tree” by pretty much everyone who’s ever seen it.
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Vatican. An independent city-state that’s the smallest country in the world. Has heaps of ancient buildings, sprawling museums, and some of the world’s great artworks. A bloke called Frank wanders out of his bedroom once a week and dribbles shit to anyone who’ll listen.
Roma, Queensland has the Commonwealth Hotel. Has a massive pokies room, a big TV to watch the footy on, and two-for-one schnitzels on Tuesdays. A bloke called Gary wanders in once a week and dribbles shit to anyone who’ll listen.
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Sistine Chapel. One of mankind’s greatest achievements, this gorgeous 500-year-old building is home to artworks so wondrous they move grown men to tears. The crown jewel is Michelangelo’s The Last Judgement, which is widely regarded as the most beautiful painting of all time.
Roma, Queensland has a frighteningly realistic cock spraypainted on the wall behind the IGA. What more needs to be said?
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Circus Maximus. Legendary chariot-racing stadium immortalised in the movie Ben Hur. British pop group Genesis once played there to over 500,000 linguine-munching locals. Wikipedia didn’t specify whether Genesis played back in ancient Rome, but they’re pretty bloody old, so let’s assume they did.
Roma, Queensland has the Roma Gun Club. Trigger-happy Romans rock up to pop caps and get on the turps at the bar. I stayed there because it’s got cheap camping and really, really good toilets. Phil Collins once played with himself there.
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Trevi Fountain. 259 years old. Comes with a 22km-long aqueduct to source the purest water in town. Featured in The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Roma, Queensland has Trevor. 37 years old. Once ate a mate’s dog after losing a bet. Enjoys smoking bongs made out of Orchy bottles. Featured in a homemade porno with his mate Brett.
Winner: Roma, Queensland.
Roma, Italia has the Spanish Steps. The world’s most exclusive shopping district spreads out around this spot, and is the perfect place to blow the mortgage on a Gucci tampon, or sell your daughter into prostitution to buy a Prada cock ring.
Roma, Queensland has a main street. With a Reject Shop, dole office and about a thousand bottle-os, you’re sorted! The local fashion consists of thongs and footy shorts with a hint of scrotum, so a trip to Vinnies is all you’ll need. No need to sell your daughter into prostitution, as it’s part of the curriculum at Roma High.
Winner: Roma, Queensland
GRAND CHAMPION: ROMA, BLOODY ROMA, QUEENSLAND!
I might’ve had a bit of fun at Roma’s expense, but the truth is it’s a great town, and the perfect place to stay if you want to visit the outback without completely leaving civilization behind. The people are genuinely lovely, the pubs are tops (with some surprisingly decorative lasses, many with a full compliment of teeth) and there’s lots to see within a small area. Carnarvon Gorge is less than three hours north, and the historic villages of Surat and Miles are relatively close by. As the locals like to say, Roma wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t be able to experience it in one, either!
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 