Beat on the Bratislava


With my fingers and toes at risk of dropping off from frostbite if I spent another day in the frigid-but-beautiful resort town of Vysoke Tatry, this morning it was time to hop on a train to the Slovakian capital of Bratislava. And what a city it is! With old buildings, winding rivers, lots of bridges and more hobos than you could shake a stick at, it has everything on the European city checklist.

Colder than Prince’s handshake

The train trip from Vysoke Tatry to Bratislava takes around five hours, but the scenery is often spectacular and it’s an enjoyable and relaxing journey. As the mountains thinned out and gave way to endless fields, and then to the functional and often heavily-graffittied buildings of the Bratislavan outskirts, I prepared to explore the ancient metropolis, which dates back all the way to 1987.

Some handsome Slovaks

I rounded a corner and found the impressive Grassalkovich Palace (try saying that after a bottle of vodka), with funny little men in strange outfits marching around with guns in their hands. It didn’t seem to serve much point, really, and it was almost like they were just out stretching their legs during a long shift. I didn’t know whether they were armed guards or champion homosexuals practicing for the next mardi gras, so I gave them a bit of a wave and was on my way.

They’re a shoe-in for Slovakia’s Got Talent

The majority of the city is rather characterless and modern, with simple buildings and busy roads – a result, I assume, of bombings during the Second World War. But things picked up as I got closer to the Old Town, which is pleasant enough and worth checking out if you’re nearby. Bratislava Castle sits atop a hill overlooking the city, and the Danube River makes its way lazily through the concrete and stone. While pleasant, there’s nothing mindblowing or even particularly interesting about Bratislava – if you’ve been to any number of other, more exciting European cities, such as Prague, Tallinn or Huddersfield, you’ve seen everything it has to offer and more.

The bridge to nowhere…

Oh, there was an awesome homeless dude, though. The best thing about him was that he’d shat his pants, and would throw it at anybody who refused to give him money, before being bundled away by a couple of cops who looked like they were heavily rethinking their career decisions.

He also gives blowies for a fiver

Apart from  feaces-hurling hobos, he most interesting thing about Bratislava is that there are statues everywhere. They’re hanging out on every corner, peeking out from the roofs of buildings, and sitting in fountains, and they’re all a bit sexy. Wait, did I type that? Fuck it, because it’s true. Anyway, I did manage to spot a chick with an incredible rack, who gave me a boner as hard as stone.

I wish I was that deer

And there was a really tall statue-man who let me ‘copper’ feel of his nutsack.

You know what they say about blokes with big hands…

Ultimately, I was left unsatisfied by sexy statues, and was left to sit in a corner and  drown my sorrows with a big, juicy mouthful of meat. It wasn’t the worst way to end my time in the Slovak Republik!


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