Hey, Buuuuuuuuudva-y

How good is Pauly Shore! Undoubtedly one of the most talented and influential members of the 90s new-wave cinematic scene, along with luminaries such as David Faustino and Carrot Top, he revolutionised film by appearing in classic such as Encino Man and Butt-Fuck Bikers 4. With his lady-friendly hair and larrikin grin, this wise-talking nugget of cinematic gold became one of the most-loved homosexual actors of all time. But I’m not here to talk about Pauly Shore and his hilarious catchphrase of “Hey, Buuuudy!”, I’m here to talk about Budva, Montenegro.

Formerly known as Montenigger, this southern European fantastic is more beautiful than a big-titted blonde with a cold schooner on a hot day. I should know, because I took the bus from Dubrovnik to Budva, and it was non-stop glory as the road wound its way along the water.

As soon as I hopped off, I was consumed by the feel-good vibe of Budva, with happy fuckers wandering around and some sort of goat things tied up in a garden outside the bus stop. You just know it’s a fun place when animals are imprisoned outside major transport terminals!

After spending three night sleeping in some old bloke’s spare room in Dubrovnik (and losing several pairs of underpants) I was pleased to find out I have an entire apartment to enjoy here. After swanning around inside it for half an hour like some sort of dickhead, it was time to head off to Budvar’s delightful xxxMogar Beach. And it actually is nice, unlike most Euro beaches.

Wonderfully, the beaches are crawling with women who have their titties out. Not fat chicks, either, but young, good-looking ones who love showing off their razzers. One sheila even took her bikini bottoms off, but the beach was consumed with a sound like a wind tunnel, so I reckon I might stay away from her.

Unlike in Dubrovnik, where I was 45 minutes’ walk from anything resembling fun, I’m in the middle of the action here, with pubs and fun shit all over the place. Because of this, I may end up getting quite drunk and wearing my one remaining pair of underpants on my head. I just hope I don’t end up in that fucking wind tunnel…