Sunshine Coast, Queensland

Here are the top five things to do on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. Yay.

1. Go for a stroll through Noosa National Park. Beautiful beaches, dense foliage, gorgeous sunsets – this spot has it all, and is within spitting distance of Noosa’s main strip. Whether you’re after a swim or a spot of bird-watching, it’s the perfect way to escape the crowds. Of course, a walk like this is always better if you take a good-looking sort in a bikini. I, unfortunately, forgot to bring one, but I did see a fat bloke in a g-string, so it wasn’t a complete loss 🤷‍♂️

2. Go big! The Sunny Coast is the undisputed Big Thing capital of the world – and I’m talking about the size of the chicks’ arses. There’s the Big Pineapple at Woombye and the Big Pelican at Noosaville, which I visited with former Australian Idol star Hamster back in 2017. There’s the Big Shell at Tewantin, which fortunately isn’t home to a Big Hermit Crab. There’s also a Big Child at Birtinya, but the cops have made it very clear that I should never again take photos of myself with children, so I gave that one a miss.

3. Visit Eumundi on a Monday. Actually, go to this picturesque village on a Wednesday or Saturday, because that’s when they hold their world famous markets. Grab some happy pants and a jar of mango chutney, then sit down under a tree and let a hippie annoy you by banging on a saucepan all bloody afternoon.

4. Enjoy the sunshine on the coast. It’s in the name, so grab half-a-dozen bottles of XXXX and pop down the beach for a boozy swim. Of your lucky, tour rescue will make the six o’clock news!

5. Sleep in your car and get attacked by a half-naked fat bloke brandishing a palm leaf. The World Toilet Brush Convention was on during my time on the Sunshine Coast and my accommodation options were limited, so I decided to sleep in my car. Now, the Honda CRX is a wonderful car that makes women weak at the knees, but it wasn’t designed with a comfortable night’s rest in mind. Thankfully I found a car park at in Maroochydore and, armed with a carton of the cheapest, warmest beer I could find, settled in for the evening. All was well until I heard shouting and banging outside and, assuming it was a couple of European tourists rooting in their van, popped out to watch. My erection wilted as I came face-to-face with a morbidly obese gentleman wearing nothing but turd-staines undies. He was smashing a palm frond against a camper van and, going by the screams coming from inside, the female occupants weren’t too happy about it. The girls were in mortal danger and nobody else was around to help them, so I swaggered over to the thug and politely suggested that he stop hitting the van.

Somewhere around the 18th punch to his face, as his teeth rattled to the ground and his blood painted the car park, it seemed like he got the message. Or maybe he collapsed after suffering a severe brain injury, whatever, the important thing is he stopped moving. With the peace restored, I sauntered back to my car and prepared for a rough night, when the back door of the van swung open. Two European goddesses smiled back at me, obviously impressed by the severe beating I’d given the thug. If anything, the sight of his brains oozing onto the asphalt seemed to turn them on. “Wow, tough and handsome, the blonde one said in a velvety Estonian accent. “Please join us for an evening of unrestrained passion.” Shit, and I thought I’d find it tough to sleep in the car!

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