I've had a lot of jobs over the years, and most of them I haven't been very good at. So when I decided to become a professional photographer, I didn't let the fact I barely know which direction to point a camera stand in my way. While working in the porn industry, I soon realised … Continue reading A junkie, a blood fetishist, an alcoholic nymphomaniac and the overweight wife of an islamic fundamentalist
I’ve met a lot of weird and wonderful characters during my travels, but even I was shocked when I was contacted by Dean* recently. He’s 20 years old, works a respectable job, has an attractive girlfriend, and enjoys surfing and riding his motorbike. But Dean has a dark secret. He likes to have sex with … Continue reading Confessions of a goat fucker
HOLIDAY HELL Bro, what's cracking? I'm going well, thanks for asking. You write about all these cool places you're always visiting, and most of them sound fucking fantastic. I'm unemployed and have a severe drug addiction, so I won't be travelling anywhere for a while (I'm also out on parole, so the cunts at the … Continue reading More of the world’s worst advice
I get thousands of fan emails every day, and a large number of them are from down-on-their-luck champions looking for advice. And why wouldn't they look to me for help? I'm living the dream. So here's my advice column. If you have any burning questions about life, love, and the art of drinking wine from … Continue reading Ask Row-Row: The world’s worst advice column
I’m often too drunk to drive, which presents me with a real problem every time I finish another cask of wine; how do I get up to the bottle shop? Sure, I could walk, but that’s stupid, so I recently invested in a mobility scooter. Yes, a mobility scooter, like the ones old people hoon … Continue reading I bought a mobility scooter and now everyone’s really nice to me because they think I’m disabled
A few years ago I headed up to the Gold Coast for two weeks on the piss with a good mate of mine called Dion. Alright, that's not really his name; I've changed it for reasons that will soon become clear, and have gone with a name that suggests I have a big, black, bald-headed … Continue reading Dildo Warfare: A tale of strippers, sickos and unwanted hand shandies
All good things have to come to an end. Bros broke up, Ship 2 Shore ended, and now my travels through the Pacific Islands are done and dusted. I woke up early to watch the sun rise over the waters of Vava'u, Tonga, then packed my bags and got out of there. During the short … Continue reading Nofo a, Tonga!
My journey to the tropical island of Vava’u was supposed to be a quiet, relaxing end to my trip through Tonga – a few days on the beach, some beers, that sort of thing. Instead it became a nightmarish fight for survival that pushed me past my limits and almost cost me my life. I’d … Continue reading Big Trouble in Little Tonga
My final morning in Tasmania started with a world of hurt and a trip to the toilet to spew up last night's menu of German beer and pizza. Alright, mainly it was German beer. And then, after a quick goodbye to Mick and Katri, I was in a taxi and on my way home. Okay, … Continue reading The knob-head at 20,000 feet
I'm well known to be a lover of culture, so today I hung around inside MONA. No, I don't mean the chick from last night, I'm talking about Hobart's Museum of Old and Modern Art. Yeah, I know, there's a few extra letters in there, but who gives a shit? Let's get into it. The … Continue reading Hey MONA, ooh MONA!