I Will Hunt Them Down Like Dogs

What do Stephen King, God, that chick who wrote Harry Potter and yours truly have in common? We're all best-selling authors with millions of fans. Alright, I might be exaggerating a bit by putting myself in such elite company, but I have just released a new novel. It's called I Will Hunt Them Down Like … Continue reading I Will Hunt Them Down Like Dogs

More of the world’s worst advice

HOLIDAY HELL Bro, what's cracking? I'm going well, thanks for asking. You write about all these cool places you're always visiting, and most of them sound fucking fantastic. I'm unemployed and have a severe drug addiction, so I won't be travelling anywhere for a while (I'm also out on parole, so the cunts at the … Continue reading More of the world’s worst advice

Nofo a, Tonga!

All good things have to come to an end. Bros broke up, Ship 2 Shore ended, and now my travels through the Pacific Islands are done and dusted. I woke up early to watch the sun rise over the waters of Vava'u, Tonga, then packed my bags and got out of there. During the short … Continue reading Nofo a, Tonga!

Leaving Samoa

I could spend the rest of my life in Samoa, so it was with sadness that I left this pristine paradise for another jewel of the Pacific - Fiji. With a 10am ferry to catch on the other side of the island, I didn't have time to enjoy the delights of Satuituti this morning. I … Continue reading Leaving Samoa

There’s nowhere safer than a large Samoan man’s knee

I was worried about my portly admirer coming back for more action, so I decided to move on from Tanu Beach. After a quick snorkel and a wander through the village, I stopped off at Henry's place to say goodbye. We ended up chatting for an hour so, with the topics ranging from the women … Continue reading There’s nowhere safer than a large Samoan man’s knee

Going down in Samoa

I wanted to do something for the first time and, since that chick from The Big Bang Theory hasn't be answering my emails, I decided on scuba diving. A happy-go-lucky Austrian named Olaf, from Dive Savai'i, picked me up at 8am, and in no time I was being strapped to a scuba tank. After a … Continue reading Going down in Samoa

I’m a Savai’i-ver!

Last night, I had the best sleep of my life. Alright, second best, after that time I tried heroin. I woke up to brilliant sunshine and swaying palm trees, then matched it with a giant breakfast of cereal, fruit, eggs and toast. I can tell you, the morning after my experience with heroin wasn't anywhere … Continue reading I’m a Savai’i-ver!

Getting stoned in Samoa isn’t as fun as it sounds

Despite quaffing only 12 beers the night before, I woke up with a hangover that could kill a Somali pirate. But it's hard to complain when the view from your fale looks straight onto the beach - and all for the bargain price of $20 a night! My headache was sorted out with a snorkel, … Continue reading Getting stoned in Samoa isn’t as fun as it sounds

My pilgrimage to the beach of ghosts

Waking up in Samoa is like waking up in the distant past. Despite spending the night a five minute walk from the centre of the capital, I stumbled out of my fale to the sounds of insects and birds, with palm trees swaying and the pool sparkling. The air was fresh, the weather was warm, … Continue reading My pilgrimage to the beach of ghosts

Rowan the Samoan

Samoa, hey? Twenty-seven degrees at five in the morning, which is slightly more comfortable than the 11 degrees Sydney was enjoying when I flew out five hours earlier. I could definitely get used to this over the next three weeks, as I prance around the Pacific on a holiday that will also take in Fiji … Continue reading Rowan the Samoan