Hakuna Matata! Welcome to Tanzania!

After learning I was heading to Dar es Salaam, my good friend (and convicted abuser of homeless people) Scott called me from his presidential suite inside Parklea Prison. "Hey bro, you go to Tanzania?" he asked, whilst whitling a shiv from a toothbrush. "You must meet my cousin, Sinbad. He look just like me. He … Continue reading Hakuna Matata! Welcome to Tanzania!

Take the Lilongwe Home

Malawians have a wonderful saying regarding their capital city; you can live life the right way, you can live life the wrong way, or you can live life Lilongwe. I don't know what it's supposed to mean, but it rhymes, so I guess it's kind of beautiful and poignant. The ride there from Zomba was … Continue reading Take the Lilongwe Home

Chicks dig dudes with exotic tropical diseases, right?

Lake Malawi looks glorious, but shortly after arriving I decided not to swim in it because it's full of flesh-eating bilharzia parasites. My mind was quickly changed when a decorative 24-year-old Austrian sheila begged me to share a kayak with her for a trip around Thumbi Island. Shit, there's not much I wouldn't do for … Continue reading Chicks dig dudes with exotic tropical diseases, right?

The Marvelous Mountain Man of Malawi

With the stunning-to-look-at-yet-infested-with-parasites Lake Malawi threatening to kill me, today I decide to head for higher ground where I might be a bit safer. There are some awesome mountains around Cape Maclear, so I put on my walkin' boots and went for a strut. Little did I know that I would've had less trouble drinking … Continue reading The Marvelous Mountain Man of Malawi

Cape Maclear and the Curse of the Killer Snails

In my endless quest to find remote, barely-heard-of paradisical wonderlands (that may be populated by decorative backpackers), I pointed to a random point on the map and ended up in the isolate lakeside village of Cape Maclear, Malawi. As well as being a day's travel from the nearest place that could be called civilisation, it's … Continue reading Cape Maclear and the Curse of the Killer Snails

Night of the Livingstone Dead

Zimbabwe is falling apart and there are beggars and troublemakers everywhere, so I decided to cross the birder to the relatively stable Zambia. Livingstone is the most prosperous city in this dusty, landlocked country, and I had a top time exploring it while waiting to jet off to Malawi tomorrow... right up until the zombie … Continue reading Night of the Livingstone Dead

Yep, that’s a big tree alright

Zimbabwe isn't only famous for the legendary Victoria Falls, it's also  well know for the widespread slaughter of innocent white people a couple of other things, one big and one small. With today being my final full day in this unusual country, I decided to have a good crack at both. The South Africans are … Continue reading Yep, that’s a big tree alright

The Great Victoria Falls (mas)Debate: Zim or Zam, yo?

Zimbabweans hate Zambians, and Zambians hate Zimbabweans, and it's all because both countries claim to provide the best view of Victoria Falls. Having explored the Zam side yesterday, and visited the Zim side today, I can say that the best plan of attack is to see both sides in order to get the whole picture and … Continue reading The Great Victoria Falls (mas)Debate: Zim or Zam, yo?

The Smoke That Thunders

Over the years I've been fortunate enough to see some of the world's most beautiful natural sites. Mount Fuji, the Great Barrier Reef, that Dutch chick I banged in Santorini last year. Nothing has come close the awe-inspiring power and majesty of Victoria Falls, a 108m-high, 1708m-wide wonder that straddles the Zimbabwean/Zambian border. This epic … Continue reading The Smoke That Thunders