I’d rather drink shit than spend another day in Jakarta

Sorry, Huddersfield, you've been replaced as the worst place I've ever visited. All hail Jakarta, Indonesia, a filthy, noisy hellhole that is as pretty and interesting as the contents of Clive Palmer's toilet the morning after a pie-eating competition. Let this stand as a warning to anyone thinking about coming here for a holiday - … Continue reading I’d rather drink shit than spend another day in Jakarta

Mentos as currency (and why it might be a good idea)

It was time to leave Penida, which meant a ride on the back of a motorbike with my suitcase, before spending an hour negotiating a relatively cheap price for the boat ride to the nearby Nusa Lembongen, and ended with an offer of oral sex. This place is completely different from Penida here, but equally … Continue reading Mentos as currency (and why it might be a good idea)

Do you like Penida coladas? And getting caught in the rain?

After spending eight hours fanging along dirt tracks on a motorbike, my back door feels like it’s been banged in by Lexington Steele. But, along the way, I was treated to an astonishing view of the incredible island that is Nusa Penida. I was meant to go scuba diving with manta rays, but the weather … Continue reading Do you like Penida coladas? And getting caught in the rain?

Padang Bai? How about Padang Fuck Off?

I can’t believe I got out of Padang Bai with both my kidneys still inside my body and without having a rat gnaw my face off as I slept. Honestly, I think the shit and vomit I left in the broken toilet probably doubled the value of the place. Good fucking riddance. After a ride … Continue reading Padang Bai? How about Padang Fuck Off?

How to get laid in Ubud

I spend a lot of time observing people. Or ‘leering’, as the police call it. Anyway, observing the way things work around here has allowed me to come up with a guaranteed way of getting your whale washed in Ubud. You just need to be a long-haired South American dropkick with a name like Ricardo, … Continue reading How to get laid in Ubud

The Village People

Today I got a bit further out of Ubud, escaped the Japanese tourists and got caught in a monsoon that would kill a normal man. I’m not normal, though, as evidenced by the fact that I went out with my hair in pigtails like some sort of superhero. Having not learnt from previous experiences, I … Continue reading The Village People

Denpasar, so fuckin’ far

For someone who’s supposedly not retarded, I do some stupid things. Today I decided to escape the tourists and check out Denpasar City. After looking it up on the map, I started strolling towards it - even though the centre of the joint was about 13km away and the temperature was in the mid-30s. I’m … Continue reading Denpasar, so fuckin’ far