Category Archives: Nusa penida

Do you like Penida coladas? And getting caught in the rain?

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After spending eight hours fanging along dirt tracks on a motorbike, my back door feels like it’s been banged in by Lexington Steele. But, along the way, I was treated to an astonishing view of the incredible island that is Nusa Penida.

I was meant to go scuba diving with manta rays, but the weather was so shithouse that it had to be cancelled because we might get wet. Deadset, my head hasn’t been splashed with this much water since the local priests decided to gang bang me as a child.

That was a joke.

The first stop was Crystal Bay, a delightful little beach where I snorkelled amongst jelly fish (and the odd plastic bag), and bumped into a shrimp. Seriously, are they the stupidest fucking things on the planet? They live in the water, but have legs and shit like that. Anyway, it’s the first time I’ve encountered one in the wild, and it was aces. I called him Shawn the Prawn.

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Then I went to Smoke Beach, so called because the waves spray up and create a big, smokey effect. The raw power of the water here was awe-inspiring, just watching the massive waves roll in, smash into the rocks and send crap spraying everywhere. It was a good metaphor for Nusa Penida as a whole – beautiful, wild and untamed.

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We then headed to Broken Bay, and the name alone brought back uncomfortable memories of being molested by a school camp counsellor as an 11-year-old (yes, that’s two child molestation jokes in one article. I’ll stop writing them when you stop laughing). This place was cool, and had a massive ocean trench that reminded me of my ex-girlfriend’s vagina.

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This island, while quiet and sparsely populated, has a maze of roads crossing it that could confuse and trap anyone coming in unprepared. Roads and tracks, most un-signposted, head off in every direction. As I went past, most of the locals called out and waved, a testament to how few tourists ever come here. I originally planned to hire a bike and see the place by myself, but was glad I ended up getting someone to ride for me while I sat on the back of the bike grinning my head off.

Somewhat disconcerting is the fact that, after using the toilet, I’m expected to wipe my arse with my hand. Seriously, I just finished up and my hand looked like I’d been holding a Picnic bar while running a marathon. More upsetting is that forks aren’t commonplace on this island, so I’m expected to eat everything with my hands. That made it a little bit harder to eat my fish dinner. I certainly wasn’t licking my fingers at the end of it.

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Padang Bai? How about Padang Fuck Off?

I can’t believe I got out of Padang Bai with both my kidneys still inside my body and without having a rat gnaw my face off as I slept. Honestly, I think the shit and vomit I left in the broken toilet probably doubled the value of the place. Good fucking riddance.

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After a ride through rough seas in a traditional boat that had more holes than the plot to a Michael Bay film (and which was certainly not helped by the effects of the 19 beers I guzzled last night), I landed on the remote, pristine, beautiful island of Nusa Penida. This place is about as far off the tourist trail as I’ll be going, and I definitely felt like an outsider as I dragged my suitcase through the streets, with every set of eyes following me.

I haven’t received that much attention since the last time I forget to wear pants to Erina Fair.

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There’s little to no tourist infrastructure here, and little to no tourists even if there was. It’s a throwback to the old days of Bali, before so much of it became westernised, with chickens in cages (seriously, they’re everywhere), traditional markets, waterfalls, dive sites, deserted beaches, palm trees and poverty. There are no Bintang singlets on sale around here, and I wasn’t offered a hit of crack all day.

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I spent the day snorkelling and, fuck me, it was bonza. I just jumped in off the beach and was treated to gorgeous coral, swarms of fish and… well, that’s pretty much it. What else do you expect me to see under the water, a dead body? A complete box set of Matt LeBlanc’s failed sitcom Joey? No, just fish and coral.

And when I say fish and coral, I mean LOTS of fish and coral. There was a massive selection of marine life down there, including many types that I’d never seen before. I was out there for at least an hour and a half, chasing fish, getting chased, taking photos. Even if the trip out here was a bit of a hassle, it was all worth it the second I went beneath the water.

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It’s pouring down rain as I write this (what’s new? It’s rained ever day since I got here) and I’m hoping to catch a little bit of a break so I can check out this fried chicken shop I saw down the road. Can’t blame a guy for wanting some cock in his mouth.

SUPER FUN TIME HAPPY BONUS: Things the American chick at the next table said last night!

“Most of the people I meet are from Europe or Germany.”

“I eat with chopsticks because the people here don’t have forks and they’d be offended if I used them.

“It would be cool seeing people dying in Africa, as sad as the whole AIDS epidemic is.

“It’s cool going to a disaster zone, but not having to deal with any of the damage.

“I’d like to go Australia, but I’m scared of, like, spiders and aborigines. “

“I like travelling to countries where they speak American. Like England.”

“Is Indonesia where they had the Vietnam war, or am I thinking of the wrong place?”

“The best thing about this place is that I don’t have to tip, because the people are poor anyway.”