Tag Archives: Bangkok

Ladyboys, hookers and muggings; going back in time in Thailand

I’ve managed to do what those gronks Andrew Chan and Myuran ‘Suck a man off’ Sukumaran thankfully never will – make it out of Indonesia alive. I’m telling you, those three days I spent in Jakarta seemed more like a month, and if my flight out had been delayed I reckon I would’ve started throwing karate kicks around the airport.

Right now I’m sitting on the floor at Bangkok Airport, somewhat disappointed that the airline chicks around me aren’t shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas, and waiting for my connecting flight to Yangon, Myanmar. That’s Burma, where Rambo went all machine gunny in Rambo IV.

It’s been five years since I was last in Thailand, for a somewhat longer time then. It was my first trip overseas (yes, at 26 or whatever), I didn’t know what the fuck I was getting myself in for, and I fell into adventures that paved the way for all the stupid travelling shit I’ve done since then.

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No wonder the ladyboys like me so much

In Phuket I got attacked by a group of ladyboys while I walked down a dark alleyway, only to have a little bloke on a motorbike ride up and tell me to jump on the back. My response (while fending off the fists of the six-foot-tall dudes in dresses) was to tell them that I couldn’t because I didn’t tick the motorcycle box on my travel insurance application. “So you want to get fucked in arse by ladyboy?” he asked. I got on the bike.

I also tried to impress a girl by dancing on a podium at some point. It didn’t work.

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Look how excited I am about getting ripped off by a tuk-tuk driver!

In Koh Samui I met an incredibly attractive Burmese lass in a bar and, wary of how many hookers were in the vicinity, asked her repeatedly whether she fucked for bucks (well, in a nicer way than that). She told me she worked in a hotel, I invited her back to my room for some disappointing sex, and as soon as we hit the street she hit me up for money. Fuck, I’m an idiot sometimes.

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On our way to drink jelly shots and dance with hookers

Here in Bangkok, I successfully dodged a fake jewel scam before shitting myself in the street after having a dodgy hotdog from a roadside food dude. I just wandered into a shop, bought a new pair of fake Billabong board shorts, handed my used pair of fake Billabong board shorts to the shopkeeper, and swaggered out.

On that trip, I also planned to visit Myanmar (well, briefly, on a day tour along the Burma Railway), but it didn’t work out due to the fact the tuk-tuk driver who was meant to take me to the station was obviously on the drugs and took me to the wrong place. Since then, I’ve always wanted to head to Myanmar, that forbidden country, and in a few hours I’ll be there.

If I get into trouble for doing anything stupid, please come and save me, Rambo!

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With former Labor leader, Kim Beazley

I’d rather drink shit than spend another day in Jakarta

Sorry, Huddersfield, you’ve been replaced as the worst place I’ve ever visited. All hail Jakarta, Indonesia, a filthy, noisy hellhole that is as pretty and interesting as the contents of Clive Palmer’s toilet the morning after a pie-eating competition. Let this stand as a warning to anyone thinking about coming here for a holiday – don’t.

The most beautiful buildings in Jakarta
The most beautiful buildings in Jakarta

My new friends were smart enough to escape this sewer first thing this morning, leaving me to set out to explore the city on my Pat Malone. Which I put off, and put off, and put off, before finally heading out into the dirt and the filth. Having already seen Jakarta’s only tourist attraction, the monumentally disappointing National Monument, I decided to trot north and see what was up there. The answer was ‘fuck all.’

There are a few colonial buildings from when the Dutch ran the joint, but most of them are burnt out, covered in graffiti, or lying in piles of rubble. I found one that was still standing, and it had the shittiest town square of all time surrounding it. Homeless people were lying everywhere, there were more of those nightmarish mascot things, and that’s about it. Remind me again, why didn’t I just stay in Australia and go to the beach?

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This is where all dreams go to die

The highlight for the kiddies was a paedophile-looking man in a frilly hat who rented out bikes with flat tyres, that they could ride around the square (and, usually, straight at me). One sturdy chap seemed to be enjoying it a little bit too much, leading me to believe that he obviously hasn’t discovered masturbation yet. The dude in the hat could probably help him with that.

He's just come back from Paris Fashion Week
He’s just come back from Paris Fashion Week

I didn’t go much further than that. It’s almost impossible to walk anywhere in this city as the roads are so difficult to cross, and the further I ventured from my hostel, the more dangerous things felt. It was alright to walk around aimlessly yesterday, when I had people with me, but today I was genuinely scared of getting stabbed. I was just trying to kill time until I could watch the football at 3:30, and ended up in some awful shopping centre full of broken tools and toothless hillbillies.

Today was truly one of those days where I wonder, “What the fuck am I doing over here?” Jakarta is a boring and uninviting city, I felt incredibly lonely and cut off from my world, and for the first time since I’ve been away, I just wanted to be home. Having such a fun day yesterday with good people just emphasised how bad today was. I would rather stuff an egg beater up my dick hole and spin it around than spend another second in this open wound of a city.

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He’s on his way to his Zumba class

This time tomorrow I will have said goodbye to Indonesia and be banging my cock in Bangkok, during a long stopover on my way to Myanmar. Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be shedding any tears for J-Town.