Tag Archives: Old Town

Drunk in Dubrovnik


My first full day in Dubrovnik, Croatia started out wetter than Mikey Robbins’ arse-crack at a Zumba lesson, but the rain soon pissed off and allowed me to explore this interesting, if very touristy city.

It’s not a big place, with only 40,000 permanent residents, so walking all over the shop isn’t tough at all. I just set out and swaggered over to the Old Town, which would’ve really made me feel like I was back in Medieval times if there weren’t so many fat fuckers standing around stuffing their faces with ice cream. I’m pretty sure ice cream didn’t exist back then, and fat people were probably fingered as witches and burnt at the stake.

I can see my burek from up here!

It is a lovely town though, even if most of it was destroyed and rebuilt after being smashed by the Yugoslace Army back in 1991 (honestly, what’s up with these Euros? Always fighting someone! Explains why every European girl I’ve been with has fucking hated me and wanted to kick my head in). There are tiny alleyways overgrown with exotic plants, coffee shops hidden in weird corners, and all sorts of weird stuff to check out. Bear in mind that it’s crawling with people – it’s a Monday here, and out of the main tourist season, and there are people everywhere. It kinda takes away from the feeling of exploring something ancient.

Fuckwits everywhere!

Apparently the popular television show Game of Thrones is shot in Dubrovnic, with the city standing in for Camelot or Gotham City or whatever place it is the show’s set in. I dunno, I don’t watch it, and if I wanted to see a dragon being slain I’d just chuck on that sex tape I made with my last girlfriend. You know, in the three weeks were together before she went to Hawaii and fucked some bloke called Jeff.

One of the quieter alleyways

Of course, being a touristic place, there are lots of dickheads who do the wrong thing. Drinking in public, urinating in places that are obviously not toilets, that sort of thing. Of course, I was very respectful of this ancient place and did nothing like that.

Did you see that one coming?

As I rounded a corner of the citadel and passed a small harbour, I saw some people splashing around in the water. I thought that looked alright, chucked off my shirt and shorts and powered my way into the Adriatic Sea wearing nothing but my undies and a smile. Unfortunately, undies aren’t really made for swimming, and the detached themselves from my body the moment I entered the water.

Better form than gay diving man Matthew Mitcham

I was in a good mood and the water wasn’t too cold, so I just splashed around for a while, did a bit of backstroke while people sitting on the rocks oohed and ahhed. I felt a tap on the shoulder and turned around to see a good-looking brunette smiling at me. I assumed she wanted a root, but instead she held up my underpants.
“You can keep those, luv,” I said, “as a souvenir.”
“No thanks,” she replied in an American accent, “they’ve got skidmarks.” With that, she threw them onto my head while the people on the rocks broke into laughter. You can’t win ’em all.

Not a bad spot for a dip

After being laughed out of the place, I decided to walk up Mount Srd behind Dubrovnik, which is 500m tall and has a fortress at the top. Yeah, 500m metres, no biggie. It’s not a bad walk walk, actually, and the way to see the mystical Old Town from above. The Adriatic shimmered below me as I hoofed it uphill, stopping time after time to check out th view (and not because I’ve been eating too many kebabs and felt like shitting myself halfway up).

If you’re gunna make the trip, bring your own cans!

If you’re a fat cunt, there’s an expensive cable car to the top, but it’s a waste of time and money. The top of the mountain has rubbish views of the city, while the walk up provides heaps of places to stop off and take photos. It was also a decent counter-balance to the three beers I sank while making the two-hour round trip. And then I went home and fell asleep, because that’s apparently what happens now that I’m thirty-three.


Warsaw Warrior


I’m in Poland, but I haven’t seen too many poles – but then again, I haven’t hit the strip clubs yet! My journey through this Eastern European country with a tragic past has started in the capital of Warsaw, which has plenty to offer – especially if you like bits of meat wrapped up in bread.

I expected Warsaw to be worn-out and ugly, but that’s not the case at all. Like a pensioner with a fresh bottle of Viagra (hi, Dad!) it has a new lease on life. Massive steel-and-glass skyscrapers dominate the skyline, while wide streets are full of modern cars. I didn’t even see a single person shitting in the street, which was a bit of a disappointment.


While nice and easy to navigate, the new part of Warsaw isn’t exactly inspirational. There’s not a whole lot to see and do, so it’s the Old Town, over by the river, that attracts the most tourists. And it is, uh, not really that interesting either. A bunch of old buildings, some statues (sadly, they were mostly up on poles [actual poles, not Polish people] and so I was unable to have sex with them) and lots of souvenir shops. Riga and Tallinn both did it better.


I dropped into the Uprising Museum, which was full of info on Poland’s horrible history, and is worthwhile simply to get an appreciation for what these people have gone through. Like the rest of Warsaw, it won’t make you jump up and down on the spot and wave your arms around like one of those inflatable dudes who hang around outside used car dealerships, but give it a crack.


With not much to do in this place, it’s no surprise that alcohol flows like a lesbian’s period, and there are hundreds of 24/7 alcohol shops. They’re called Alkoholes, so I decided to show off my own alkohole. Aren’t I hilarious!


While Warsaw isn’t the most exciting city on the planet (that honour goes to Dubbo), it does hold one very special title – it has more kebab shops than pretty much anywhere else. Deadset, there’s a kebabery on pretty much every corner, and all the little Polish champions are wandering around with steaming kebabs in their hot little hands, stuffing them into their chubby little faces. It’s a kebab-fancier’s wonderland.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The kebab servings here are huge, and unfortunately that means that some punters have to throw half their meal in the bin. It’s not so unfortunate for the local hobos, who eat like fucking kings after rifling through bags full of dirty nappies, used syringes and dog turds in order to find half a doner that’s probably been spoofed on by some drunken American exchange student.


By the time I finished I was really tired and my feet were hurting – I guess you could say they were War-sore!

Kebab of the day: Look at this beauty!


Beer of the day: This one was pretty good.

Tallinn Callin’


I can’t spend my whole time in Europe hanging out with a pretty girl in Riga (as fun as that sounds), so today I headed off to the ancient city of Tallinn, Estonia. It promised all sorts of history and fun stuff to see, and it delivered in spades. In return, I acted like a drunken idiot.

I hopped on an Ecolines bus (just 16 Euro Spacebux) and it was an easy, comfortable trip. The outskirts of Riga are sparse and depressing, looking straight out the Cold War era, but soon give way to pretty farms and dense forests. While the ride between Latvia and Estonia isn’t the most incredible journey of all time, it’s certainly pleasant.

All aboard the party bus!

And it would’ve been a lot more pleasant if the angry Latvian dude in the seat next to me didn’t keep shouting sweet nothings at me while I tried to sleep. I don’t know what he was saying, but from the way his eyes were spinning in his skull and he kept balling his hands into fists, I’m guessing he wasn’t asking me out for coffee and croissants.

Where dreams go to die

The bus dropped me off a couple of kilometres from my ultimate destination of Tallinn’s Old Town, and so my first impression of the city wasn’t the best – endless cement buildings stood sternly by as I trundled along to my hostel. Things improved as I made my way through the wide, open spaces of Freedom Square, and then I was overwhelmed as I stepped into the Old Town proper.

The whole place is built on a really shitty angle

There are castles and churches and steeples and weird little buildings everywhere, meaning that stepping into Tallinn’s Old Town is like stepping into a time machine (although, if I actually did have a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time and ride a dinosaur). There’s so much to see and it’s all so well preserved that it’s easy to spend hours just swaggering down alleyways and finding out what’s around the next corner.

Hello, church

Unlike Riga’s Old Town, which feels like a functioning part of the actual city, Tallinn’s version feels more like a tourist attraction, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are olde timey stores, historical music, and all sorts of idiots hanging out in flowing dresses and bonnets and shit like that. It gives a good impression of what this place was like before the Nazis and the Russkis got their hands on it. It’s such an inspirational city that I actually acted very sensibly, by which I mean I got drunk in front of ancient buildings:

I love being me

and had a threesome with some sexy statues:

If they didn’t make them so fuckable, I wouldn’t have to fuck them!

On first impressions, Tallinn reminds me of a much bigger, much busier version of Carcassonne, which certainly isn’t a bad thing. It’s bloody cold and the streets are confusing, but it has a good feel to it and I look forward to checking it out in more depth tomorrow.

Beer of the day:
It’s actually pretty tough to find a shop selling cans of beer in Tallinn’s Old Town, but I’m a survivor, and found a few cans of something called A. Le Coq Alexander (literally, Alexander Juice). It was cold and wet and alcoholic, but the taste was on holidays. Perhaps they should try getting the juice from someone other than Alex next time.


Kebab of the day:
I had a rough time locating a kebabery, too, but I’m happy to say that the mission was worth it. It takes a lot to surprise me, but my first kebab in Estonia did just that. Its unusual presentation and unexpected mix of ingredients and spices left a last impression every bit as awe-inspiring as Tallinn’s famous walled city. I bought it from a place called Grill Stop, it came with no wrap, but plenty of succulent meat, and it was awesome.