Category Archives: Iguazu

You say Iguazu, I say Iguacu

The hottest rivalry between Argentinians and Brazilians doesn’t involve soccer or empenadas, it’s all about who offers the best view of Iguazu Falls. If you wanna get headbutted by an Argie, tell him the Brazilian side is better. If you want to get stabbed by a Brazilian and have your shoes stolen for drug money, tell him the Argentinian side is the best. Honestly, it makes all that trouble in the Middle East look like Friday Night Mud Wrestling at Doyalson-Wyee RSL. The two teams can’t even agree on the name – Iguazu on one side, Iguacu on the other.

After giving my verdict on the best place to view Victoria Falls, I’m here to settle the score on Iguazu. And the truth is that the Brazilian side, whilst offering far fewer viewpoints, is more spectacular. On the other hand, the Brazilian side is also busier than a $2 hooker, meaning the main lookouts are absolutely packed with chumps taking selfies. So, if you’ve only got one day to visit the falls, go to… the Argie side, but you won’t be disappointed by either.

The Brazilian side has a single track to walk along, offering unreal views straight across to the face of the falls. It gives a better idea of the immense length of Iguazu, and there are some truly awe-inspiring spots that seem too magical to be real. I wish I could’ve relaxed on a rock and just soaked in the view, but I was constantly pushed along by the selfie-obsessed mob, which kinda ruined the ambiance. It’s a bit like porking a really hot single mother and constantly having her kid butt in with, “Muuuum, can you make dinner?”

The end of the track is the definite highlight, with a boardwalk heading out towards The Devil’s Throat, as well as a series of platforms basking in the spray of some other massive fuck-off waterfall. The whole area is bloody grouse, and it’s safe to say that nobody who stands in the presence of those waterfalls will ever forget the experience. Yeah, yeah, it all sounds pretty similar to what’s on offer at the Argentinean side, and that’s because the tracks on each side never stray more than a few hundred metres from each other.

Adding a bit if personality to every visit to the Falls are the resident coatis – a breed of giant raccoon that loves chasing pricks around and trying to eat their lunch. These knobs are like that annoying bloke at the pub who keeps hanging around in the hope someone will leave half a schooner on the table while he goes for a shit.

There was a bit of excitement for the ladies when the members of Brazilian beefcake dancing troupe Power Muscle turned up, stripped off, and posed for a few photos in front of the falls. The boys were enjoying the attention until I removed my shirt and shorts, blasted Spaceman out of my phone, and started gyrating sensually. Suddenly Power Muscle were forgotten, and dozens of horny Latin American women did their best to eat me alive. I think it’s safe to say that Iguazu Falls wasn’t the wettest thing around that day!

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I Can’t Help Iguazu Falls-ing in Love With You

I’ve never met a waterfall I didn’t like – and trust me, I’ve seen a few over the years – so there was no chance I’d miss out on Iguazu Falls during my adventures through South America. Along with Africa’s Victoria Falls and North America’s Niagara Falls, Iguazu is part of the holy trinity of big, wet, splashy things, and it’s absolutely magnificent. If you don’t believe me, just have a squiz at the photos.

Iguazu is 82 metres tall, 2700 metres wide, has 275 drops and woos millions of tourists every year. And ladies, he’s single! The locals reckon the falls were created when some tart named Naipí was meant to marry a god named El Kevin, but she fucked off with some other bloke (probably a Maori) and so Kev cracked the dirts and sliced the river up. I don’t know how historically accurate that is, but it sounds good enough to me.

Half the places to view the falls are in Argentina and the other half are in Brazil, but it’s a short trip between the two sites so it’s possible to check out both. There are three main tracks through the Argie side of the falls, so it takes at least half a day to check everything out, and that’s if you don’t spend too much time stuffing around, oohing and ahhing at all there is to see. I headed out after a 26 hour bus trip from Montevideo and managed to see it all before beer o’clock, so it’s not that much effort.

Circuito Superior and Circuito Inferior both give a good idea of what the falls are all about, with some really pretty spots, but these walks never reach the spectacular highs found at Victoria Falls. The falls are, for the most part, a little too far away, with only the final fall of the Inferior stroll rising up above the boardwalk. Luckily, that’s not the best of it.

Garganta del Diablo, or The Devil’s Throat, is what it’s all about. After catching a fun little train through the jungle, a wooden boardwalk took me out over the gurgling Rio Iguazu, to a bottleneck where thousands of litres of water crashes down every minute. The brute power of nature is astonishing, and I just stood back in wide-eyed wonder as the spray smashed into me and the whole world sounded like it was being torn apart. If this is what the devil’s throat is like, perhaps someone should hand the poor bloke a Butter Menthol.

As has become tradition when I visit waterfalls, I befriended a couple of coloured gentlemen. Reuben and Bert, a gay couple for Suriname, are very much in love and enjoying their honeymoon together. Whilst marvelling at the spectacular views, Reuben declared that the only thing more powerful than the raging waters of Iguazu Falls is one of Bert’s kisses. I dunno about that, because my urge to chunder was pretty bloody powerful right about then.

The comparisons with Victoria Falls are obvious, but I have to say that, so far, Africa’s Smoke that Thunders reigns supreme over South America’s Big Water. Not only is it larger and more imposing (but enough about my penis!), but the tracks offer more variety and allow you to really get up close to the massive wall of water. Don’t get me wrong, Iguazu is superb and truly one of the most awesome things on the planet, but I did feel a tad let down after visiting Victoria Falls.

Going from Victoria Falls to Iguazu is like rooting a chick with big tits, but being slightly disappointed because you rooted a chick with bigger tits the night before. It doesn’t make rooting the chick with big tits a bad experience, but in a perfect world you’d have the big tits first, and the bigger tits second – or in this case, Iguazu for an entree and Victoria for the main course. Sorry, I got distracted by all those tits for a second.

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