After spending eight hours fanging along dirt tracks on a motorbike, my back door feels like it’s been banged in by Lexington Steele. But, along the way, I was treated to an astonishing view of the incredible island that is Nusa Penida. I was meant to go scuba diving with manta rays, but the weather … Continue reading Do you like Penida coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
I can’t believe I got out of Padang Bai with both my kidneys still inside my body and without having a rat gnaw my face off as I slept. Honestly, I think the shit and vomit I left in the broken toilet probably doubled the value of the place. Good fucking riddance. After a ride … Continue reading Padang Bai? How about Padang Fuck Off?
Padang Bai is every bit as shithouse as Amed is beautiful. I truly believe that this little blight on humanity crawled out of the anus of some sort of giant insect creature, and has been fucking shit up around here ever since. It makes fucking Melbourne look good. I should've stayed in Amed. Ah, Amed, … Continue reading Toilet paper costs extra
I spent most of today holding hands with a Japanese man. No, I haven’t suddenly become one of the gays, and even if I had I’d be more likely to go for someone like Stone Cold Steve Austin or a Charles Bronson impersonator. I spent the day scuba diving around a World War II wreck … Continue reading A Fishy Situation
To spend time in Amed is to become part of the village. No, not to be shown around or pandered to like a tourist, but to be taken in by the villagers as one of their own. The village I’m staying at, Aas (and yes, it sounds exactly the way you think it does) has … Continue reading I was humiliated in a soccer game by a bunch of eight-year-olds from a third world country
If going from Legian to Ubud was like travelling to a different world, going from Ubud to Amed was like going back in time. This place is right over the other side of Bali and is as quiet as a pervert in a toilet block. There’s no nightclubs or shops full of Bintang singlets, and … Continue reading I am in Amed (the place, not the bloke)
I spend a lot of time observing people. Or ‘leering’, as the police call it. Anyway, observing the way things work around here has allowed me to come up with a guaranteed way of getting your whale washed in Ubud. You just need to be a long-haired South American dropkick with a name like Ricardo, … Continue reading How to get laid in Ubud
Today I got a bit further out of Ubud, escaped the Japanese tourists and got caught in a monsoon that would kill a normal man. I’m not normal, though, as evidenced by the fact that I went out with my hair in pigtails like some sort of superhero. Having not learnt from previous experiences, I … Continue reading The Village People
That's five locks on a toilet door. Five locks designed to keep some sort of rapist from entering said toilet. I am in this toilet. If I'm not careful, my arsehole will be as wide as an eagle's wing by the end of the night.
Ubud seems a lot further than 32km from Legian. Not just because the trip took two-and-a-half hours (come on Bali, invest in some bypasses), but mainly because I haven’t seen even one heavily-tatted roid midget on a scooter since I got here. Instead, there are heaps of hipster dudes with carefully-manicure beards and approximately half … Continue reading Japandonesia
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 