I woke up under a tree in the dirt, surrounded by Germans eating their breakfast. I had one thong on, my phone was thrown carelessly in the grass a few metres away, and my hair was full of sand. I had no idea how I got there, or why I’d decided to sleep on the … Continue reading It’s pants-on-head time again!
I put a lot of effort into finding the only bar on this island that shows live sport. And when they got there, instead of the Dogs versus Water Snakes game, they played the Storm versus Drag Queens game from last week. So, of course, I had to console myself with some nachos. They looked … Continue reading Over here, nachos are made of coleslaw
I must’ve been a good boy, because the big fella upstairs decided to present me with bright sunshine when I woke up. After 10 days of rain and shittiness, I didn’t quite understand what I was seeing, but made the most of it by getting out there and exploring Nusa Lembongan. I wanted to go … Continue reading A woman laughed at my penis (so what’s new?)
After spending eight hours fanging along dirt tracks on a motorbike, my back door feels like it’s been banged in by Lexington Steele. But, along the way, I was treated to an astonishing view of the incredible island that is Nusa Penida. I was meant to go scuba diving with manta rays, but the weather … Continue reading Do you like Penida coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
I can’t believe I got out of Padang Bai with both my kidneys still inside my body and without having a rat gnaw my face off as I slept. Honestly, I think the shit and vomit I left in the broken toilet probably doubled the value of the place. Good fucking riddance. After a ride … Continue reading Padang Bai? How about Padang Fuck Off?
I spend a lot of time observing people. Or ‘leering’, as the police call it. Anyway, observing the way things work around here has allowed me to come up with a guaranteed way of getting your whale washed in Ubud. You just need to be a long-haired South American dropkick with a name like Ricardo, … Continue reading How to get laid in Ubud
Today I got a bit further out of Ubud, escaped the Japanese tourists and got caught in a monsoon that would kill a normal man. I’m not normal, though, as evidenced by the fact that I went out with my hair in pigtails like some sort of superhero. Having not learnt from previous experiences, I … Continue reading The Village People
Ubud seems a lot further than 32km from Legian. Not just because the trip took two-and-a-half hours (come on Bali, invest in some bypasses), but mainly because I haven’t seen even one heavily-tatted roid midget on a scooter since I got here. Instead, there are heaps of hipster dudes with carefully-manicure beards and approximately half … Continue reading Japandonesia
For someone who’s supposedly not retarded, I do some stupid things. Today I decided to escape the tourists and check out Denpasar City. After looking it up on the map, I started strolling towards it - even though the centre of the joint was about 13km away and the temperature was in the mid-30s. I’m … Continue reading Denpasar, so fuckin’ far
It was as wet as a fat chick in a chocolate shop when I landed, and I was very happy that the angry-looking chaps at customs didn’t suspect that I had 48 bootleg copies of Hanson’s Three Car Garage stashed up my arse. I soon got the full South-East Asian experience by getting ripped off … Continue reading There’s a fat guy on a scooter around every corner
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 