Somebody call Greenpeace, we need to roll this whale back into the sea!

Barcelona is a great little place. There’s the epic Sagrada Família, the Olympic precinct where Perko won Gold in the 1500m, and the sangria flows as freely as a hippie sheilas period. It’s a joy to just walk down the streets and see the colours and movements of the Catalonian capital.

The most impressive aspect of the city is that it sits right on Barceloneta Beach, meaning you can wander out of the CBD and be building a sandcastle in seconds. By the time I hit the sand I was halfway through my third one-litre bottle of warm sangria and feeling pretty special – until I came across a sight that no man should ever have to see.

Flapping around on the beach like some sort of whale that had left the ocean in search of donuts was the fattest woman I had ever seen. And, unless her fat rolls had simply eaten her bikini, she was completely naked. And while most men would run away from such a beast and proceed to gouge their eyeballs out with the nearest rusty spoon, a skinny little fella with a whispy beard was rooting her!

It would’ve been quite a romantic setting for them, if only the nighttime air wasn’t full of the sounds of screaming and spewing. Despite the commotion, I could still hear the splatting sound as the little chap thrust his pecker into the creature’s rancid bacon sandwich.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I watched a scene that surely must’ve been a scene of the end of days. As the slapping sound got louder and the pile of flesh jiggled more quickly, the fatty stuffed an empanada into her flapping gob just as the little dude arched his back and filled her with spaggle. Angels wept.

When I regained my site, I saw the little bloke swaggering over to me. At first I thought he was going to try to thump me for watching him pump the porker, but he had a smile on his face. Well, I guess you’d have to be absolutely fucking insane to do what he’d been doing, so it made sense he had a maniacal grin.

“Hello my friend,” he said in a thick Spanish accent. “My girlfriend is too much woman for any one man, can you please finish her off for me?” At this point, the chubster stuffed another empanada in her gob and waved at me, while pointing at her smashed cochinillo with the other. “Her vagina is not so tight, she be with many men, so maybe you put chorizo in to fill the space. She very slippery because she much sweat, so make sure you hold onto her flappy skin. And do not go near her anus, that is the 38th empanada she eat tonight, so dropping more bombs than some sort of plane what drop bombs.”

have you ever seen a skinny little Spanish dude get covered with three litres of warm sangria, straight from a disgusted Aussie bloke’s stomach? I have, and it was hilarious!