The incredible Egyptian hieroglyphs of Gosford

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I’ve always wanted to visit Egypt and see those big pointy pyramid things they have, but the locals have gone a bit mad and started killing each other, so I’ve reluctantly crossed it off my list of possible holiday destinations. Imagine my joy, then, when I found out that I don’t need to fly across the globe to get my fill of Egyptian history and culture – because there are a bunch of ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GENUINE Egyptian carvings only a few kilometres from my house. Yippee!

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Life ain’t easy for a dog faced boy

The Egyptian hieroglyphs were discovered in the 1980s in a secluded section of Brisbane Water National Park, near Kariong on the New South Wales Central Coast. For decades, experts have been unable to explain how they got there – some say that a group of Egyptians settled in the area thousands of years ago and left their mark on the mossy side of a massive rock, while others reckon some drunken dickheads did it for a joke.

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High fuckin’ art right here

The carvings aren’t that hard to find, and this site does a pretty good job of pointing out how to get to them (as well as providing a bit of backstory that I can’t even be bothered cutting and pasting). After bush bashing for a while and then crawling under and over a bunch of boulders, I found myself in a hidden alleyway decorated with dozens of symbols. Dog-headed dudes, eyeballs, suns, waves and other fun stuff spread out before me. It really is a weird thing to see in the Aussie bush, and I half expected a reincarnated mummy to come out from behind a tree and try to eat me.

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Historian/hunk

Honestly, they look like they were cut into the rock by some bludger on his second bottle of metho, because the 80 or so symbols are mainly stick figures and other crude doodles, but then again I highly doubt the Egyptians of thousands of years ago were the most advanced artists of all time. So I’m going to say that they definitely are ridgy didge and really are thousands of years old – and the so-called experts can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned.

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Suuuuuuuurfin’ biiiiiiiiiiird!

There’s not much else to see out there, so I soon headed home to ponder my bizarre experience. Feeling high on history and culture, I had a pizza and a couple of dim sims for dinner, so you can cross Italy and China off the list of countries I need to visit, too.

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If you see these rocks, you’re heading in the right direction – the glyphs are right behind ’em
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Ancient Egyptian instructions for packing a bong
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He’s having a wank!
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More symbols than a marching band
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That is definitely a penis
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