Tag Archives: cooking

The marvellous meat pie-zza

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I’ve been spending a lot of time with my good mate (and fellow Sri Lankan) Geoff Jansz lately, and me and ‘Colombo’s Coolest Cook’ have been pushing boundaries and changing the world together. Alright, we mainly we just chase each other around the kitchen and gossip about boys, but we’ve also been whipping up some mouth-wateringly unusual meals.

While our urine-infused ice cream and devilled penguin weren’t successful and led to an outbreak of food poisoning amongst our friends, tonight we struck gold. I want to introduce you to the new national meal of Australia – THE MEAT PIE-ZZA.

It combines the meaty deliciousness of a hearty meat pie with the cheesy-yet-healthy beautness of a pizza – and it’s absolutely delectable. Because you probably don’t have a world-class Sri Lankan chef on hand to help you experiment, here’s all the info you need to cook your own meat pie-zza!

Stuff you’ll need

1 family meat pie
Tomato paste
Some garlic
An onion
Cheese
Pepperoni
The tears of a child

How you make it

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Chuck the pie in the oven for however long it takes to get all nice and brown and crispy. Don’t just nuke it in the microwave, ‘cos that will leave it soggy, which is shithouse for a pizza base
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Mix some garlic into a tub of tomato paste (or use that fancy pizza base sauce if you’ve got money falling out of your arse) and slather it all over the pie
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Toss the onions and pepperoni all over it. It doesn’t have to be as beautiful and symmetrical as mine (but enough about my penis!)
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Dump the cheese on. Don’t go easy on it – if you wanted something good for your heart, you’d be eating a fuckin’ carrot
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Put the whole thing back in the oven, or into a pie oven if you’ve got one. Take it out before it turns black or else it’ll taste like shit
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Stand back and marvel at how awesome it looks. Don’t eat it too soon, or you’ll burn your tongue off and have to talk like a retard for the rest of your life
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Enjoy it whils looking really sexy!

 

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I put a bunch of mini pies into a big pie and then ate it

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Go fuck yourself, Manu Feildel, and choke on a bucket of cocks, Jamie Oliver, because I’m the best chef in the world now. That’s because I recently cooked the greatest meal of all time, by putting a whole bunch of bite-sized mini meat pies into a full-sized meat pie and cooking the whole thing.

I was sitting around, hungover and hungry, wanting some excitement in my life, when I decided to do something different. After ruling out hitting my cock with a hammer, I decided to create a monstrous meal, the likes of which has never been seen before.

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They probably don’t even make these things anymore

I have a pie cooker, and I love making dog’s eyes full of spaghetti, curry, pizza and other wacky stuff. I was digging through the fridge for something to chuck in there when I came across a long-forgotten packet of Pie Bites, tiny little pies that are a favourite of midgets. The packet had been in there for nearly 18 months and the use-by date was long gone, but nothing was going to stop me from creating history.

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Tiny and delicious, like my penis

I fired up the cooker, lay in the pastry, and then stuffed in as many Pie Bites as possible. I topped it up with gravy, popped another layer of pastry on top and then, laughing maniacally, closed the lid. I sat, barely able to contain my excitement, until the crust was golden brown and the meal of the god’s was ready.

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Stuffed in like Indians in a bus

I took it outside, took a deep breath, and prepared to break boundaries and change the way the world works forever. I sliced into the flaky pastry with a sharp knife grasped by an unsteady hand, and the delightful aroma of the pies-in-a-pie enveloped me. I pierced a chunk of the meal with my fork, lifted it to my mouth and popped it in.

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More gravy than a fat chick’s drink bottle

The taste was unbelievable – like a pie, but multiplied a thousand fold. It was like eating a pregnant pie full of pie babies, and it gave me a high more intense than any I’d had before (yes, even that time I shot heroin into my doodle in a Bangkok brothel can’t compare). When I finished, I felt as satisfied as a Chinaman with a bellyful of rice, and sat back to contemplate how wonderful the world is.

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I rock at plating up

I highly recommend making your own pies-in-a-pie, but would suggest that you use mini pies that are still within their use-by date, because I ended up shitting myself not long after finishing the meal. Still, it was a small price to pay for immortality.

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Ladies, if you become my girlfriend, you too can enjoy meals like this!