Tag Archives: food

The marvellous meat pie-zza

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I’ve been spending a lot of time with my good mate (and fellow Sri Lankan) Geoff Jansz lately, and me and ‘Colombo’s Coolest Cook’ have been pushing boundaries and changing the world together. Alright, we mainly we just chase each other around the kitchen and gossip about boys, but we’ve also been whipping up some mouth-wateringly unusual meals.

While our urine-infused ice cream and devilled penguin weren’t successful and led to an outbreak of food poisoning amongst our friends, tonight we struck gold. I want to introduce you to the new national meal of Australia – THE MEAT PIE-ZZA.

It combines the meaty deliciousness of a hearty meat pie with the cheesy-yet-healthy beautness of a pizza – and it’s absolutely delectable. Because you probably don’t have a world-class Sri Lankan chef on hand to help you experiment, here’s all the info you need to cook your own meat pie-zza!

Stuff you’ll need

1 family meat pie
Tomato paste
Some garlic
An onion
Cheese
Pepperoni
The tears of a child

How you make it

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Chuck the pie in the oven for however long it takes to get all nice and brown and crispy. Don’t just nuke it in the microwave, ‘cos that will leave it soggy, which is shithouse for a pizza base
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Mix some garlic into a tub of tomato paste (or use that fancy pizza base sauce if you’ve got money falling out of your arse) and slather it all over the pie
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Toss the onions and pepperoni all over it. It doesn’t have to be as beautiful and symmetrical as mine (but enough about my penis!)
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Dump the cheese on. Don’t go easy on it – if you wanted something good for your heart, you’d be eating a fuckin’ carrot
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Put the whole thing back in the oven, or into a pie oven if you’ve got one. Take it out before it turns black or else it’ll taste like shit
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Stand back and marvel at how awesome it looks. Don’t eat it too soon, or you’ll burn your tongue off and have to talk like a retard for the rest of your life
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Enjoy it whils looking really sexy!

 

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I put a bunch of mini pies into a big pie and then ate it

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Go fuck yourself, Manu Feildel, and choke on a bucket of cocks, Jamie Oliver, because I’m the best chef in the world now. That’s because I recently cooked the greatest meal of all time, by putting a whole bunch of bite-sized mini meat pies into a full-sized meat pie and cooking the whole thing.

I was sitting around, hungover and hungry, wanting some excitement in my life, when I decided to do something different. After ruling out hitting my cock with a hammer, I decided to create a monstrous meal, the likes of which has never been seen before.

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They probably don’t even make these things anymore

I have a pie cooker, and I love making dog’s eyes full of spaghetti, curry, pizza and other wacky stuff. I was digging through the fridge for something to chuck in there when I came across a long-forgotten packet of Pie Bites, tiny little pies that are a favourite of midgets. The packet had been in there for nearly 18 months and the use-by date was long gone, but nothing was going to stop me from creating history.

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Tiny and delicious, like my penis

I fired up the cooker, lay in the pastry, and then stuffed in as many Pie Bites as possible. I topped it up with gravy, popped another layer of pastry on top and then, laughing maniacally, closed the lid. I sat, barely able to contain my excitement, until the crust was golden brown and the meal of the god’s was ready.

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Stuffed in like Indians in a bus

I took it outside, took a deep breath, and prepared to break boundaries and change the way the world works forever. I sliced into the flaky pastry with a sharp knife grasped by an unsteady hand, and the delightful aroma of the pies-in-a-pie enveloped me. I pierced a chunk of the meal with my fork, lifted it to my mouth and popped it in.

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More gravy than a fat chick’s drink bottle

The taste was unbelievable – like a pie, but multiplied a thousand fold. It was like eating a pregnant pie full of pie babies, and it gave me a high more intense than any I’d had before (yes, even that time I shot heroin into my doodle in a Bangkok brothel can’t compare). When I finished, I felt as satisfied as a Chinaman with a bellyful of rice, and sat back to contemplate how wonderful the world is.

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I rock at plating up

I highly recommend making your own pies-in-a-pie, but would suggest that you use mini pies that are still within their use-by date, because I ended up shitting myself not long after finishing the meal. Still, it was a small price to pay for immortality.

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Ladies, if you become my girlfriend, you too can enjoy meals like this!

The Big McPie (and how it almost killed me)

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Once upon a time, fine dining restaurant McDonald’s ran a promotion where, in return for voting for some shitty YouTube videos on their website, one received a voucher for a free Big Mac. Of course, I rigged the system and ended up with an unlimited supply of the burgers, and decided I’d eat nothing but Big Macs for a month.

Alright, so that’s pretty much the plot to Super Size Me, but who gives a shit. Nobody whinged when Steven Spielberg stole the plot to Brokeback Mountain off me, so fuck Will Smith.

I don’t usually eat fast food, so after a few days I was feeling a bit rough. I was going through six or seven Macs a day, and despite putting on a bit of weight and sweating out grease every time I moved, I still wanted more. They were free and I was poor, so I kept travelling around to the various Maccas that were within waddling distance of work, smashing into the gooey messes.

Despite my cravings, it wasn’t long before I was thoroughly sick of the bland-tasting burgers, so I started spicing them up with chilli sauce, chicken nuggets, and even vegetables. Alright, I lied about the vegetables – I actually popped a hash brown and a few bits of bacon on there.

By Friday I was really feeling pretty crook. My toilet habits were similar to that of a South African mongoose, my skin wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Year Nine photo, and I was scratching myself like a junkie without a fix. It wasn’t all bad, though, because it led to something amazing.

The Big McPie.

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This bad boy is basically a pie (and sauce) wedged between the layers of a Big Mac. And, despite sounding like the last meal of a fat bloke, it’s absolutely wonderful. The mince in the pie plays well off the Mac’s special sauce, and the cheeky crunch of the pasty meshes perfectly with the juicy beef patties. It’s a well-rounded meal that simply must be tried, and I thoroughly enjoyed eating it.

That was the final Mac I had, though, because that afternoon I had something of a mental breakdown. I became paranoid that people were out to get me, sensitive to sounds, and found that talking to anyone was the most horrendous thought I could have. It was actually really scary, because whatever bullshit they put in Big Macs was seriously messing with my mind, and I didn’t feel at all like myself. I scurried out of the office without saying goodbye to anyone, hid myself in a corner of the train on the way home, and spent the next day locked away at home. I haven’t been to McDonald’s since.

After one week on the Macs, I had become a bloated, hideous, anti-social cretin on the level of Rebecca Wilson or Clementine Ford. I wouldn’t recommend anyone do it, but have a crack at the Big McPie – it’s a ripper.