I was up at 6:30 and, unlike the morning after most alcohol-fused binges, I felt great. Shit, I need to skoll kava and dance with Fijiian men every night. The weather wasn't feeling so beaut, though, and it was piddling down on the Yasawa Islands, Fij. I spent the first half of the day just … Continue reading Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I masturbated too much when I was seventeen?
Everyone knows that Fiji is always sunny and beautiful, so I was shocked and appalled to wake up in the middle of a cyclone, with rain and wind smashing the fuck out of everything around me. Ah well, it would have to be nice and sunny out on the islands, right? After gobbling some leftover … Continue reading Kava Chameleon
I wanted to do something for the first time and, since that chick from The Big Bang Theory hasn't be answering my emails, I decided on scuba diving. A happy-go-lucky Austrian named Olaf, from Dive Savai'i, picked me up at 8am, and in no time I was being strapped to a scuba tank. After a … Continue reading Going down in Samoa
Last night, I had the best sleep of my life. Alright, second best, after that time I tried heroin. I woke up to brilliant sunshine and swaying palm trees, then matched it with a giant breakfast of cereal, fruit, eggs and toast. I can tell you, the morning after my experience with heroin wasn't anywhere … Continue reading I’m a Savai’i-ver!
Samoa, hey? Twenty-seven degrees at five in the morning, which is slightly more comfortable than the 11 degrees Sydney was enjoying when I flew out five hours earlier. I could definitely get used to this over the next three weeks, as I prance around the Pacific on a holiday that will also take in Fiji … Continue reading Rowan the Samoan
Journalism is the sort of career that takes you places. America, China, the Middle East - there are stories all over the world, and they all need someone to write about them. Of course, in the first seven or so years of my career the furthest I got was Cronulla, but I assume I'm the … Continue reading Tales From Pornland: The World Tour of Toowoomba
There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. Having sex with that chick in the wheelchair, for instance, and getting my penis stuck in a mouse trap. One thing I am proud of, however, is writing a book. It's called Red, White & Bruce and, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there … Continue reading Red, White & Bruce
When lovely ladies find out that I worked for a gentlemen's masturbation manual for seven-and-a-half years, their first question is always, "Why?" Their second is usually, "Can you please get the fuck away from me, you chauvinistic pervert?" My answer is usually along the lines of the fact that, for the first five or so … Continue reading Tales From Pornland: Why I’ll never be Prime Minister
Back when I was drunk and gainfully employed as a writer for porn rag The Picture, it wasn't uncommon for me to appear in many of the magazine's photo shoots. No, I didn't get my dick out or anything (it wouldn't really make sense, unless they gave away magnifying glasses with every copy), but I … Continue reading Tales from Pornland: Barber shops and Brothels
Some people get into journalism to meet world-famous people. Politicians, war heroes, Big Brother winners, that sorta thing. The most famous people I met in my writing career at porn rag The Picture were Mr T, who is a black man, and Jesse Jane, who has had many black men inside her. Mr T was … Continue reading Tales from Pornland: When Row-Row met Jesse Jane
The Drunk and Jobless World Tour 