Statue-tory Rape

Last time I was in Europe, I had sex with a lot of statues. It’s not something I’m proud of, because I know they couldn’t say no or try to stop me, but it happened. I was drunk, and I took advantage of them.

Symbols of culture and history and national pride all succumbed to my wicked willy. I just wandered up, had my way with their stone boobies and fannies, took a photo, and went on my way. Sick, I know, but I can’t change the past.

I’ve bonked statues in other countries, too. Indonesia, Malaysia, even here in Australia – nothing’s safe. And you know what? I enjoyed it. Every time I simulated sex with a stone beauty, I was having the time of my life.

It’s not all fun and games, though. Do you know how much it hurts to have sex with a sandstone vagina? It’s rougher in there than in my ex-girlfriend’s vagina, and she had more diseases than a Chinese hospital, so it was like rooting a sheet of sandpaper.

I’ll do it again, too, because in less than three weeks I’ll be back in Europe, and back in the statues. I won’t just be having sex with statues, though, because that would be weird. I’ll be exploring cities from Riga to Athens, seeing the sights, getting drunk, trying to pick up women and probably getting naked once or twice.

I’m going to visit concentration camps and ancient cities, nightclubs and national parks. I’ll be hiking up mountains, catching cable cars, sitting in beer gardens and talking to pretty girls.  Catching trains and making a fool of myself as I travel through 15 countries in 62 days, all so that you don’t have to.

There’ll be laughs, tears, shenanigans and adventures, all here in the best bloody travel blog on the interweb. No women in floaty dresses talking about enlightening experiences, no endless details cribbed from other sites – just genuine stories of life on the road. Oh, and daily kebab and beer reviews.

It’s going to be my longest overseas trip ever, I’ll be doing it along, and it’s certainly going to have its ups and downs, good times and maybe even a few emotional breakdowns. Who knows, I might even meet that girl I’ve been looking for.

Click on the subscribe button and get ready for a ride. Or don’t, I’m a bit pissed so I don’t really care either way.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.