Today I lost my pants at the beach

I enjoyed my last paragliding visit to Port Macquarie so much that I've come back - but the locals are wishing I'd stayed where I bloody well come from. But hear me out, it wasn't my fault! There's less wind than on the moon today, so I decided to head to the Rainbow Beach to … Continue reading Today I lost my pants at the beach

Dog-dating dork declares, “I’ve got fleas!”

Since I first broke the story a few weeks ago, Australians have fallen in love with Dean*, the brave 20-year-old who freely admits to having sex with animals. Sadly, this inspirational tale has taken a depressing turn. Dean recently ended a long-term inter-species relationship with a spirited kid named Carl, and has since been enjoying … Continue reading Dog-dating dork declares, “I’ve got fleas!”

“I cooked and ate my animal lover!”

A few weeks ago I brought you the touching story of Dean*, a charming young man desperately in love with a handsome goat named Carl. Well, it turns out he still loves Carl - with a side of mint sauce! In a disturbing twist to an astonishing tale of cross-species love, Dean has stopped fucking … Continue reading “I cooked and ate my animal lover!”

Confessions of a goat fucker

I’ve met a lot of weird and wonderful characters during my travels, but even I was shocked when I was contacted by Dean* recently. He’s 20 years old, works a respectable job, has an attractive girlfriend, and enjoys surfing and riding his motorbike. But Dean has a dark secret. He likes to have sex with … Continue reading Confessions of a goat fucker

Ask Row-Row: The world’s worst advice column

I get thousands of fan emails every day, and a large number of them are from down-on-their-luck champions looking for advice. And why wouldn't they look to me for help? I'm living the dream. So here's my advice column. If you have any burning questions about life, love, and the art of drinking wine from … Continue reading Ask Row-Row: The world’s worst advice column

My mate Pieman and his all-pie diet

I've got this mate called Pieman, and he's a really good bloke and is always the life of the party - at least, he used to be, before a bizarre and tragic decision changed his life forever. Growing up, he didn't mind a pie, hence his nickname. But he played footy, enjoyed breakdancing (he even … Continue reading My mate Pieman and his all-pie diet

I bought a mobility scooter and now everyone’s really nice to me because they think I’m disabled

I’m often too drunk to drive, which presents me with a real problem every time I finish another cask of wine; how do I get up to the bottle shop? Sure, I could walk, but that’s stupid, so I recently invested in a mobility scooter. Yes, a mobility scooter, like the ones old people hoon … Continue reading I bought a mobility scooter and now everyone’s really nice to me because they think I’m disabled

Tales From Pornland: The World Tour of Toowoomba

Journalism is the sort of career that takes you places. America, China, the Middle East - there are stories all over the world, and they all need someone to write about them. Of course, in the first seven or so years of my career the furthest I got was Cronulla, but I assume I'm the … Continue reading Tales From Pornland: The World Tour of Toowoomba

Red, White & Bruce

There are many things I've done that I'm not proud of. Having sex with that chick in the wheelchair, for instance, and getting my penis stuck in a mouse trap. One thing I am proud of, however, is writing a book. It's called Red, White & Bruce and, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there … Continue reading Red, White & Bruce

Tales From Pornland: Why I’ll never be Prime Minister

When lovely ladies find out that I worked for a gentlemen's masturbation manual for seven-and-a-half years, their first question is always, "Why?" Their second is usually, "Can you please get the fuck away from me, you chauvinistic pervert?" My answer is usually along the lines of the fact that, for the first five or so … Continue reading Tales From Pornland: Why I’ll never be Prime Minister